*This is a post I never finished last year but thought it was pretty solid so I'm throwing it up there. It is pretty unfinished still but who gives a shit.
I was watching highlights of Terry Rozier this morning (you don't watch Summer League highlights of your backup point guard at 8 AM?) and thinking to myself, "man this guy is so fast, it's amazing he's even able to stop himself. He's kind of like Luis Mend...holy shit! Let's do a D2: The Mighty Ducks column about the Celtics!"
What follows is an important comparison of the rosters of the 2016 Boston Celtics and 1994 Team USA Ducks, or as my wife might call it "the deranged rantings of the 90's obsessed lunatic I married".
The 2016 Celtics are coming off a season in which they exceeded expectations as a rag tag group of NBA misfits and castoffs without a bona fide star on the back of their superstar coach. They picked up some help from around the country in the offseason and are now being talked as a potential threat to the big bad Cleveland Cavaliers. The core of the 1994 Team USA Ducks were the former District 5 team from the Minneapolis Pee Wee League who came together when their alcoholic coach grew a heart and turned these juvenile delinquents into juvenile champions. Despite their very brief run as a dominant team, the US Junior Hockey selection committee decided (quite legitimately) that they should represent their country in the World Junior Goodwill Games with the help of some new friends to take down mighty Iceland. EEEEEEEceland! As you will see, the roster comparison is uncanny. Also, SPOILER ALERT for those who have not seen D2 yet.
Adam Banks and Isaiah Thomas
Banks and Thomas are the best players on the Ducks/Celtics. They are offensive studs who put up goals/buckets in droves. I would personally never call Isaiah Thomas a cake eater (mostly because I still don't know what that means 24 years after hearing it for the first time), but I would also never tell Isaiah that he is not the Adam Banks of the Celtics. When Dwayne Robertson tries to show boat his puck skills before a careless turnover or Marcus Smart clangs another wide open 3, Banks and Thomas are there to settle down the offense and put the team on the board. They were also both originally acquired in mid-season trades, Banks from the Hawks and Thomas from the Suns.
Charlie Conway and Jae Crowder
The Celtics don't currently have a captain, but if I had to choose one it would definitely be Jae Crowder. Despite his age, the whole team seems to respond to him and respect him. He plays hard and he is a second coach on the floor. Charlie is another precocious leader. A key contributor in the first movie, using Gordon Bombay's patented Triple Deek to beat the Hawks in a shoot out, Charlie is faced with a really tough decision ahead of the final match with Iceland. Banks, the best player on the team, had been sidelined with a wrist injury from a vicious and illegal slash (2 minutes? Was worth it) in the first matchup with Iceland, but comes to the locker room ahead of the final game and shoes Bombay that his wrist is fine now by twirling the stick in his hand. But wait, the roster is full since they added knuckle-puck master Russ Tyler and there is no room for Banks. As Tyler goes to remove his jersey, Charlie stops him and volunteers to sit this one out. That is a fucking leader there and a great fit for Jae Crowder.
Jesse Hall and Amir Johnson
This is probably the weakest comparison I was able to make. For the most part it is based on the fact that they are their teams' starting centers, but that's pretty much where the comparison ends. Jesse was a really great character in the Mighty Ducks universe but he was constantly snubbed. He coined the mystery phrase "cake eater" and yet the writers kept dicking him over. In the first movie, he was one of the players to miss his penalty shot. In the second movie they killed off his brother (they never actually said this, but it's in the subtext, trust me) and hired Kenan Thompson to supplant him as the street wise comic relief. Then, in the third movie, Jesse didn't even get an invite to the private school! That's so racist, I don't even know where to begin (ok, Russ Tyler got in, but there was probably a quote the school had to fill). Sorry for the constant snubbing Jesse. I hope your brother is in heaven smiling down on you right now.
Julie "The Cat" Gaffney and Al Horford
This one was almost too easy. The biggest offseason addition to each team. Giving each team a legit star to build around and willing to do all the dirty work around the net. With The Cat's pads and Al's size, you wouldn't expect so much quickness, but they both dart around making stops few of their peers ever could. The only issue with the comparison is Al doesn't have a sweet nickname like "The Cat". Even his Twitter handle is @Al_Horford. I did find a Grantland article by Zach Lowe that said his Florida teammates in college called him "The Godfather", and since Zach Lowe is pretty much always right, I will go with that. Al "The Godfather" Horford.
Kenny Wu and Avery Bradley
Based on size and style, Wu, the Olympic figure skater*, is probably more of an Isaiah, but there is a scene in the movie that really sticks out to me and makes me think of Avery. When the Ducks need to remember what it's like to play for real pride, they go play street hockey in South Central (the scene is scored to "Whoomp! There it is" because, what else would it be scored to?). Russ Tyler's big brother James sees Kenny celebrate after scoring a very fancy goal and starts coming after him. As Kenny retreats in terror, James stops his assault and reveals that he was just messing with him (tell that to Kenny's sphincter). What he was trying to do is show Kenny how to get tough, how to stand up for himself, and how to stand up for his team. The lesson pays off in the final game as Kenny fights one of the Iceland players and becomes the unofficial 3rd bash brother. As I re-watched the scene, all I could think was "how many times did Kevin Garnett threaten Avery Bradley's life when he was a rookie?" I can't help but connect the dots here because Avery has become a certifiable bad ass and likely would not be this way without KG literally scaring the crap out of him on a nightly basis.
*There is a lot of Moneyball-esque roster building in D2. Whoever assembled this team found some great market inefficiencies by pulling in athletes from other sports and focusing on the players' strengths instead of dwelling on their weaknesses.
Fulton Reed/Dean Portman and Marcus Smart/Jaylen Brown
The Bash Brothers. The Enforcers. The Bad Motherfuckers. Whatever you want to call Marcus and Jaylen this year, they are going to be so much fun to watch. Athletic, strong, and great defensive instincts, they are easily the Fulton/Portman of this team, right down to Marcus's erratic long distance shots. Two quick asides. First, I love how ridiculous the newspaper coverage is in this movie. The team is on the front page of the sports section after every game. Think of how dumb that is: a teenage charity tournament for America's 4th most popular sport is being featured on the front page of a sports section...Second, after Kenny Wu becomes the 3rd Bash Bro, Fulton and Portman go nuts and slap the heads of all the Iceland players on the bench joining Kenny in the penalty box with game misconduct penalties. I know very little about hockey, but doesn't that leave the team with 2 players and a goalie to face the best teen team in the world for 2 minutes? How did Iceland not go on a 10-0 run at that point? Enforcers are apparently important in hockey, but you gotta pick your spots. I don't care how fired up the crowd is, if you are down 3 players for 2 minutes, no amount of cheering is going to prevent the other team from scoring a whole lot of goals.
Connie Moreau/Guy Germaine and Kelly Olynyk/Jonas Jerebko
With a girls name and long hair, Kelly has to be the Connie on this team. With a foreign name and blonde hair, Jonas has to be the Guy on this team. It also looks like Kelly and Jonas will be the big men first off the bench to start the year so they are something of a couple. Connie and Guy always seemed to play together through the trilogy so this holds up. Sorry for the boring write up, but Connie and Guy were pretty boring characters.
Luis Mendoza and Terry Rozier
The inspiration for this post, Mendoza was the speedster from Miami who did not know how to stop (nice music choice!). Rozier is one of the fastest players I've ever seen on the court. He has blossomed like crazy this summer and seems poised to be the backup point guard this year. His speed, like Mendoza's, can be erratic at times but it seems like Brad did the can drill with him this summer to teach him to stay in control. Fun fact: the actors who play Luis Mendoza and Jesse Hall also starred in Sandlot together. Less fun fact: the actor who played Mendoza, Mike Vitar, was recently charged with assault on a man handing out candy to kids on Halloween.
Dwayne Robertson and Gerald Green
Another one that was too easy. All flash and very little substance, I'm sure Dwayne Robertson could win whatever the NHL's version of a Dunk Contest is by knocking cupcakes off the goal post.
Goldberg and James Young
Both really have no business being on their respective teams and both think they are way better than they are. I don't know Young's eating or gas habits, but it was between him, Tyler Zeller, Demetrius Jackson and Jordan Mickey for the coveted Goldberg spot so cut me some slack. This is the real reason it was a shame to not re-sign Jared Sullinger's large behind.
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