Raise your hand if you want the Miami Heat to win the NBA Championship. Unless I suddenly have some readers who are “lifelong” Heat fans that treat every game like P Diddy’s birthday party and wouldn’t know an outlet pass from an outlet store, I’m guessing none of you raised your hand. With my beloved Celtics out of the hunt and a couple other sentimental favorites (Thunder, Grizzlies) also on the sidelines, this year’s Finals is all about rooting against the new villains of the NBA. Since I’ve already been over why the Heat are so hateable (LeBron is a quitter, Bosh is an alien AND a predator), I think we should look at the other team (now down 0-1) in the series, the Dallas Mavericks. We are all already rooting against the Heat, so why not throw on a blue jersey and blonde wig and hop on the Maverick bandwagon? What follows is a walk through the Mavs team to give you all some reasons to cheer.
Mark Cuban: Papa Maverick can be a little annoying, sure, but he has lived the life every guy in their 20s and 30s dreams of. Who of us out there hasn’t tried to figure out a way to start a business that we can sell off for millions or even billions of dollars then take that money and buy a sports team, star in crappy TV shows, appear at WWE events, date models, and feud with the head of the Jewish Mafia (David Stern)? Sexy Boston Sports’ Entrepreneurial Mind Joe Black comes to me with a hot new business idea almost weekly so we can follow this exact path. Cuban is a man we should all look up to.
Rick Carlisle: Carlisle looks exactly like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. In that fictitious world, Truman’s TV show was the most watched program of all time, so we can assume Truman would be just as popular in our world. So whenever you see Carlisle on the sidelines, just remember how endearing he was in that scene when Truman drew the spaceman helmet on the mirror with a bar of soap. Wouldn’t you rather root for the coach that looks like the star of Dumb and Dumber than the coach that looks like the star of Yo Mama? Also, used to play for the Celtics and attended Worcester Academy.
Jason Kidd: If you can get past that domestic abuse charge (I don’t blame you if you can’t), you find one of the all time great point guards getting probably his last shot at his first NBA title. It’s actually pretty incredible that on a team with so many veterans, not a single one has ever won a pro championship. Kidd is one of the best passers the league has ever seen and he combined that ability with his great size and strength to be a triple double machine. Guards usually break down in their early 30s, but Kidd has admirably remade himself into a strong defender and deadly spot up 3 point shooter allowing him to fight father time. And, in case you forgot, his son used to look like the adorable alien baby in Men In Black that throws up on Will Smith. Awwww.
DeShawn Stevenson: Stevenson is kind of a thug and a pretty low impact player by NBA standards. But somehow this journeyman has found a way under LeBron’s freshly bitten fingernails. A couple years ago, while Stevenson was with the Wizards and LeBron was with the Cavs, he called the “King” overrated. Most dominant athletes that know how to act like men would chuckle at a player of Stevenson’s caliber saying something like this and would set their minds to destroying them the next time they shared the court. But since LeBron is a (scary) man baby, the feud escalated all the way to the top. That’s right, Jay-Z rapped about the feud in Blow the Whistle. Any man who averages 7.7 points a game in his career that can make it into a Jay-Z song deserves to be applauded.
Peja Stojakovic: Peja looks like one of those foreign guys from movies that married middle aged women watch that hooks up with the married middle aged woman character while her husband is working late yet again so he can make enough money to buy those bottles of anti-aging ointment made out of baby lion tears that she finds so necessary to attract young foreign guys. Normally this would be a man to be hated, but this type of actor can also play the role of foreign liaison for American mercenaries sent to destroy the mysterious alien-predator (Chris Bosh) roaming the South American rain forest so we will imagine him as such.
Jason Terry: There is a lot to like about Terry. He is a classic sixth man, a role the Celtics desperately need. Terry is the Mavs second best offensive player and provides instant offense when he checks into the game. He is one of two Mavs with a good nickname (JET), though he gets deducted a couple points because those are his initials and because the nickname was already used for Kenny Smith amongst others. He has a tiny little peanut head that he wraps with a sweat band that is just a joy to watch zoom around the court. And according to JockBio.com, he used to sleep in his uniform the night before his college games and he has a tattoo of Underdog.
Tyson Chandler: Bod-bod-bod-body blow! Because if anyone can make Wade and James think twice about barreling into the lane it is this guy.
JJ Barea: Barea dates this woman. She is Zuleyka Rivera, Miss Universe 2006. As former ruler of the Universe, she maintains a vested interest in the affairs of the Universe, using her former status for diplomatic efforts much like Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. A world championship for her boyfriend could go a long way in influencing the Universal Council to banish Chris Bosh back to his home land on Planet LV-426.
Shawn Marion: Marion has the other cool nickname on the team, The Matrix (ironically, given to him by Kenny “The Jet” Smith). Marion found the nickname so cool, he got it tattooed on his leg. In Chinese. Only problem is, the characters don’t translate to “The Matrix”. According to Basketbawful.com, Marion’s tattoo approximately means “Demon Bird Mothballs”. So why is this little bit of American ignorance so cheer-worthy? Because who doesn’t have a friend (Rob Boucini) that got a Chinese character tattoo that was supposed to mean something cool or deep only to find out later it didn’t actually mean that at all? Marion is just our little buddy who made one of two mistakes (the other is contracting herpes) that last a lifetime.
Dirk Nowitzki: Finally, we reach the heart of the team. For some reason, Germans have gotten a bad rap over the last century. While everyone spent that time being angry at the entire population, Germany spit out some loveable figures that just seem happy to be alive. Augustus Gloop was a chubby little cherub who had an infatuation for chocolate. David Hasselhoff is a silky voiced German-American Adonis who just wants to share his songs with the world and save lives. Dieter was an affable asexual that got happy as a little girl when given the opportunity to dance for his audience. And Dirk Nowitzki is a mountain of a golden haired man who makes baskets anywhere he wants on the floor better than most players in NBA history. You could almost say he was… superior? In his quest to put the cherry on top of his bavarian creme pie of an NBA career, I encourage all my faithful readers to march behind Nowitzki as he attempts to take over Miami once and for all. Die Hitze schlagen! (Beat the Heat!)