C2: The Mighty Celts

*This is a post I never finished last year but thought it was pretty solid so I'm throwing it up there. It is pretty unfinished still but who gives a shit.
I was watching highlights of Terry Rozier this morning (you don't watch Summer League highlights of your backup point guard at 8 AM?) and thinking to myself, "man this guy is so fast, it's amazing he's even able to stop himself. He's kind of like Luis Mend...holy shit! Let's do a D2: The Mighty Ducks column about the Celtics!"

What follows is an important comparison of the rosters of the 2016 Boston Celtics and 1994 Team USA Ducks, or as my wife might call it "the deranged rantings of the 90's obsessed lunatic I married". 

The 2016 Celtics are coming off a season in which they exceeded expectations as a rag tag group of NBA misfits and castoffs without a bona fide star on the back of their superstar coach. They picked up some help from around the country in the offseason and are now being talked as a potential threat to the big bad Cleveland Cavaliers. The core of the 1994 Team USA Ducks were the former District 5 team from the Minneapolis Pee Wee League who came together when their alcoholic coach grew a heart and turned these juvenile delinquents into juvenile champions. Despite their very brief run as a dominant team, the US Junior Hockey selection committee decided (quite legitimately) that they should represent their country in the World Junior Goodwill Games with the help of some new friends to take down mighty Iceland. EEEEEEEceland! As you will see, the roster comparison is uncanny. Also, SPOILER ALERT for those who have not seen D2 yet.

Adam Banks and Isaiah Thomas

Banks and Thomas are the best players on the Ducks/Celtics. They are offensive studs who put up goals/buckets in droves. I would personally never call Isaiah Thomas a cake eater (mostly because I still don't know what that means 24 years after hearing it for the first time), but I would also never tell Isaiah that he is not the Adam Banks of the Celtics. When Dwayne Robertson tries to show boat his puck skills before a careless turnover or Marcus Smart clangs another wide open 3, Banks and Thomas are there to settle down the offense and put the team on the board. They were also both originally acquired in mid-season trades, Banks from the Hawks and Thomas from the Suns.

Charlie Conway and Jae Crowder

The Celtics don't currently have a captain, but if I had to choose one it would definitely be Jae Crowder. Despite his age, the whole team seems to respond to him and respect him. He plays hard and he is a second coach on the floor. Charlie is another precocious leader. A key contributor in the first movie, using Gordon Bombay's patented Triple Deek to beat the Hawks in a shoot out, Charlie is faced with a really tough decision ahead of the final match with Iceland. Banks, the best player on the team, had been sidelined with a wrist injury from a vicious and illegal slash (2 minutes? Was worth it) in the first matchup with Iceland, but comes to the locker room ahead of the final game and shoes Bombay that his wrist is fine now by twirling the stick in his hand. But wait, the roster is full since they added knuckle-puck master Russ Tyler and there is no room for Banks. As Tyler goes to remove his jersey, Charlie stops him and volunteers to sit this one out. That is a fucking leader there and a great fit for Jae Crowder.

Jesse Hall and Amir Johnson
This is probably the weakest comparison I was able to make. For the most part it is based on the fact that they are their teams' starting centers, but that's pretty much where the comparison ends. Jesse was a really great character in the Mighty Ducks universe but he was constantly snubbed. He coined the mystery phrase "cake eater" and yet the writers kept dicking him over. In the first movie, he was one of the players to miss his penalty shot. In the second movie they killed off his brother (they never actually said this, but it's in the subtext, trust me) and hired Kenan Thompson to supplant him as the street wise comic relief. Then, in the third movie, Jesse didn't even get an invite to the private school! That's so racist, I don't even know where to begin (ok, Russ Tyler got in, but there was probably a quote the school had to fill). Sorry for the constant snubbing Jesse. I hope your brother is in heaven smiling down on you right now.

Julie "The Cat" Gaffney and Al Horford
This one was almost too easy. The biggest offseason addition to each team. Giving each team a legit star to build around and willing to do all the dirty work around the net. With The Cat's pads and Al's size, you wouldn't expect so much quickness, but they both dart around making stops few of their peers ever could. The only issue with the comparison is Al doesn't have a sweet nickname like "The Cat". Even his Twitter handle is @Al_Horford. I did find a Grantland article by Zach Lowe that said his Florida teammates in college called him "The Godfather", and since Zach Lowe is pretty much always right, I will go with that. Al "The Godfather" Horford.

Kenny Wu and Avery Bradley
Based on size and style, Wu, the Olympic figure skater*, is probably more of an Isaiah, but there is a scene in the movie that really sticks out to me and makes me think of Avery. When the Ducks need to remember what it's like to play for real pride, they go play street hockey in South Central (the scene is scored to "Whoomp! There it is" because, what else would it be scored to?). Russ Tyler's big brother James sees Kenny celebrate after scoring a very fancy goal and starts coming after him. As Kenny retreats in terror, James stops his assault and reveals that he was just messing with him (tell that to Kenny's sphincter). What he was trying to do is show Kenny how to get tough, how to stand up for himself, and how to stand up for his team. The lesson pays off in the final game as Kenny fights one of the Iceland players and becomes the unofficial 3rd bash brother. As I re-watched the scene, all I could think was "how many times did Kevin Garnett threaten Avery Bradley's life when he was a rookie?" I can't help but connect the dots here because Avery has become a certifiable bad ass and likely would not be this way without KG literally scaring the crap out of him on a nightly basis.
*There is a lot of Moneyball-esque roster building in D2. Whoever assembled this team found some great market inefficiencies by pulling in athletes from other sports and focusing on the players' strengths instead of dwelling on their weaknesses.

Fulton Reed/Dean Portman and Marcus Smart/Jaylen Brown
The Bash Brothers. The Enforcers. The Bad Motherfuckers. Whatever you want to call Marcus and Jaylen this year, they are going to be so much fun to watch. Athletic, strong, and great defensive instincts, they are easily the Fulton/Portman of this team, right down to Marcus's erratic long distance shots. Two quick asides. First, I love how ridiculous the newspaper coverage is in this movie. The team is on the front page of the sports section after every game. Think of how dumb that is: a teenage charity tournament for America's 4th most popular sport is being featured on the front page of a sports section...Second, after Kenny Wu becomes the 3rd Bash Bro, Fulton and Portman go nuts and slap the heads of all the Iceland players on the bench joining Kenny in the penalty box with game misconduct penalties. I know very little about hockey, but doesn't that leave the team with 2 players and a goalie to face the best teen team in the world for 2 minutes? How did Iceland not go on a 10-0 run at that point? Enforcers are apparently important in hockey, but you gotta pick your spots. I don't care how fired up the crowd is, if you are down 3 players for 2 minutes, no amount of cheering is going to prevent the other team from scoring a whole lot of goals.

Connie Moreau/Guy Germaine and Kelly Olynyk/Jonas Jerebko
With a girls name and long hair, Kelly has to be the Connie on this team. With a foreign name and blonde hair, Jonas has to be the Guy on this team. It also looks like Kelly and Jonas will be the big men first off the bench to start the year so they are something of a couple. Connie and Guy always seemed to play together through the trilogy so this holds up. Sorry for the boring write up, but Connie and Guy were pretty boring characters.

Luis Mendoza and Terry Rozier
The inspiration for this post, Mendoza was the speedster from Miami who did not know how to stop (nice music choice!). Rozier is one of the fastest players I've ever seen on the court. He has blossomed like crazy this summer and seems poised to be the backup point guard this year. His speed, like Mendoza's, can be erratic at times but it seems like Brad did the can drill with him this summer to teach him to stay in control. Fun fact: the actors who play Luis Mendoza and Jesse Hall also starred in Sandlot together. Less fun fact: the actor who played Mendoza, Mike Vitar, was recently charged with assault on a man handing out candy to kids on Halloween.

Dwayne Robertson and Gerald Green
Another one that was too easy. All flash and very little substance, I'm sure Dwayne Robertson could win whatever the NHL's version of a Dunk Contest is by knocking cupcakes off the goal post.


Goldberg and James Young
Both really have no business being on their respective teams and both think they are way better than they are. I don't know Young's eating or gas habits, but it was between him, Tyler Zeller, Demetrius Jackson and Jordan Mickey for the coveted Goldberg spot so cut me some slack. This is the real reason it was a shame to not re-sign Jared Sullinger's large behind.

Yoan and Isaiah

Talent.

That is what the Celtics and Red Sox added in the last few days. That is generally what wins out in the end in sports. That is what we pay to see.

With the additions of Isaiah Thomas and Yoan Moncada, the Celtics and Red Sox, respectively, added two talented players to their organizations. We will take a look at each move individually, but the key here is that both teams improved their talent base without giving up much to do so.

Isaiah Thomas

Nick Van Exel 2.0. Lil' Jason Terry. Rich man's Nate Robinson. These are all comparisons I have read for Thomas since he was traded to the Celtics last Thursday. This translates to a scoring guard with an attack mentality. A man with big talent, even bigger balls and a small body. A man with such big balls and such a small body it's a wonder the forces of gravity don't just suck him earthbound.

The Celtics traded 2 months of Marcus Thornton (who's contract is up after this year) and a 2016 1st round pick from Cleveland (that would likely be in the mid 20's as long as Lebron is around) for the next three years of Thomas. Thomas is only 26 years old and he is signed to one of the best contracts in basketball, one that actually declines over the life of the deal.

Thomas is unlike anyone the Celtics have right now or really have had since they traded Paul Pierce. Brad Stevens' motion offense is a thing of beauty. It's great for a team that does not have a go to scorer. It's all about ball movement and is very Spursian. Unfortunately, in the 4th quarter, without a go-to scorer the offense stagnates. Thomas changes all of that. He wants the ball in his hands when the clock is winding down. And unlike Evan Turner, he can actually do something with it.

In his two games in green so far, he has averaged 21 points and 5 assists (against 4.5 turnovers...yikes). I watched him in the second half of the Phoenix game and I am very impressed so far. He's the only player on the team that can dribble (I had nightmares last night of Jae Crowder running the fast break). He throws some very cool passes (some a little too cool as evidenced by all the turnovers). He looks to be a good mid range shooter and a pretty good 3 point shooter. He can get absolutely anywhere he wants on the floor. He is somehow an amazing finisher despite standing only 5'9". He gives James Young a friend in the left handers club. He's also got an energy and attitude that the club was sorely lacking (sorry Kelly Olynyk, your lady hair and cankles were never going to be the heart and soul of this club). He also sucks on defense, but let's ignore that for now.

It seems like the major complaint from the fans and media surrounding the deal is that adding talent and trading away a draft pick runs counter to what Danny Ainge has been doing the last two seasons. I disagree. Ainge has been collecting assets since he stole the Nets lunch money in the Pierce-Garnett deal. With those assets, the goal was to maintain flexibility for an opportunity to present itself. If the team could be bad enough to land a top 5 pick, he would pursue that path as he did last year. If he was able to turn a trade exception into a first round pick and a talented young player like Tyler Zeller, he would pursue that even if it made the team better. If a superstar became available, he could trade for him.

In the case of Isaiah Thomas, the Celtics did not land a superstar, but they did land a good player who can help the team in the future. They did not give up much to get him and his salary going forward helps the team maintain flexibility. Thomas is yet another asset on a team full of them. He could be our sixth man and go-to scorer for the next three years, but he could also be the sweetener in a trade for a superstar. He makes the team better this year, but he doesn't guarantee them a playoff spot especially with the other 7-8 seed contenders improving at the deadline.

The reality is that there are 4 teams definitely worse than the Celtics (Lakers, Knicks, Sixers, T'Wolves) that the team was never going to catch at the bottom of the standings. They are also probably better than the Magic and, because of the difficulty of the West, the Kings, Nuggets and Jazz. No matter what the team did there was a strong likelihood they weren't going to finish worse than 9th. So if they add a player who is going to help the team for the future but it drops them to the 11th pick, I'd say it's a pretty strong move. I've been as guilty as anyone the last two years worrying about draft position, but I think with the top 3 out of reach it's time to stop worrying.

The NBA has been much more of a crap shoot lately. With freshman dominating the lottery, it seems like the variability of a prospects future is larger than ever. While the top 2 or 3 picks still hold tremendous value, the value of, say, 4-14 seems to be much more blurry. The 2013 draft, which was supposed to be a bad draft but has turned out pretty solid, contains a ton of talent drafted outside of the top 10 including Kelly Olynyk, Dennis Schroeder, Giannis Atentokoumpo (this is not the way to spell his name, sorry), Shabazz Muhammad, Michael Carter-Williams, Gorgui Dieng, Mason Plumlee, and the possible best player of the draft Rudy Gobert (who was drafted at 27). If you played a series with those players against the players picked in the top 10 (including bust number 1 Anthony Bennett), the not-top-10 would win.

Adding Isaiah Thomas may hurt the draft position, but he does not hurt their chance to build a championship contender. The number one pick in the 2015 draft is not walking through that door with or without IT. Enjoy the swagger, the left hand, the nifty layups, the big grin, and most of all, the giant balls. Balls.

Yoan Moncada

It may not seem like it, but $63 million for a player who could be the number 1 pick in the draft is a steal. Major League Baseball (and all team sports) artificially deflate the value of amateur talent through the draft (and now international signing bonus restrictions). The only way for a top US amateur to play professionally is to submit himself to the draft. When that player is drafted, he can either sign with the team that drafted him (not of his choice) for more or less the amount dictated by the league based on his draft slot, or refuse to sign and wait a year to be drafted again and start the process all over again in perpetuity (I won't turn this article into an abolish the draft piece, you can get that here: Abolish The Draft). The only team that can get the top player in the draft, the next Stephen Strasburg or Bryce Harper, is the team with the worst record. So when a player good enough and young enough to be selected first overall is a free agent, the open market dictates the player's value rather than the penny pinching billionaires who don't want to share their wealth with teenagers. Going to $31.5 million is certainly unprecedented, but when you consider the skill set it makes a lot of sense.

A brief summary of scouting reports on Moncada that I've read around the internet. He plays short stop in Cuba, but at his current size and agility profile he projects to be a more natural 3B or 2B. He's a switch hitter who projects better from the left side (Keith Law said his hitting from the right side is a little rigid). He's very strong and fast and physically imposing in person. He's got good hand-eye coordination so he could hit for a high average. He could be a 20 homer-20 steal type player with the ability to hit over 30 homers if he reaches his potential. Some scouts say he could be the number 1 pick and a superstar, others say he is a 1st rounder that projects as above average. He should take a year or two in the minors to get used to US ball. He's not a sure thing, nobody is at 19, but he's a very very good prospect and is now one of the top 20 in all of baseball.

The beauty is that all the Red Sox had to give up to get him is money. They didn't have to trade away their top major league talent for a top prospect like the Cubs did last year with Jeff Samardzija (spelled that right on the first try!). They didn't have to trade away all of their major league talent to be the worst team in baseball for three years like the Astros did. They just went out and signed the guy. Yes it was a lot of money and yes he could be a total bust, but it's only money and it doesn't even count against the luxury tax line, if that means anything to the team still. The cherry on top is that the next highest bidder was the Yankees and they need Moncada a lot more than the Sox do!

For their money they get a 19 year old prospect who should move quickly through the minors and can play multiple positions. You may have noticed that all of the positions he can play already go about 2 deep at the major league level, but 2 years from now who knows what the team will look like. Maybe Mookie Betts or Xander Bogaerts are traded for pitching (please, please no). Maybe Pablo Sandoval or Hanley Ramirez have to or can move to first base. Maybe Dustin Pedroia's body breaks down to the point where he is a backup or has to be traded to the weaker National League (the Phillies just traded Jimmy Rollins, their former MVP and career hits leader so it's not impossible). Maybe Moncada is traded for pitching or is a bust. The point is, no team ever lost a championship for having too much talent.

There are no real downsides to this signing. That $63 mil is money the team could spend elsewhere, but it likely would have been spent on a player over 30 on the downside of his career. The team can't give out bonuses to international prospects over $300k for the next two years, but that was the case even before the Moncada signing because they already went way over their league imposed budget. Those are the only two downsides, nothing else.

We don't know what will become of Moncada, but the upside is ridiculous and that is all that matters here.

THAT'S SO RANDOM

• Quick story on Isaiah Thomas that the non-sports fans should enjoy. If his name sounds familiar it is because there was a Hall of Fame point guard that played for the Pistons in the 80's and 90's named Isiah Thomas (spelled differently). The Pistons were the most hated team in basketball and were called the "Bad Boys". They were massive douchebags and Isiah was the applicator (do douchebags have applicators?). Any way, our Isaiah's father, James, grew up in California and was a die-hard Lakers fan. The Lakers had defeated the Pistons in the 1988 Finals and were set to face them again in 1989. James made a bet with a friend that his Lakers would win, but if they lost he had to name his son, you guessed it, Isaiah. Hopefully through some deductive reasoning you can figure out who won the '89 Finals. I'm glad my father never made a bet about the Celtics-Lakers so I didn't end up being named Kareem Abdul-Bergeron.
• Tonight is the series finale of Parks and Recreation. Nothing funny to say about it, just remember to watch it. If I'm not too emotionally decimated after watching it, I will do a review of the whole series tomorrow.
• I didn't live Tweet the Oscars this weekend, but I have a few thoughts to share:
• I'm pissed that Michael Keaton didn't win Best Actor. Even if it would have felt a little like a "Lifetime Achievement Award", he was awesome in Birdman and he is fucking Batman. The dude who played Stephen Hawking did an impression for two hours. That should get you cast in SNL, not an Oscar. I think actors doing biopics should be ineligible for Oscars, otherwise give guys like Jay Pharoah the award for his impression of Denzel.
• I'm also bummed that Rosamund Pike didn't win Best Actress even though I really like Julianne Moore. If you haven't seen Gone Girl you should really check it out. MINOR SPOILER ALERT Not that I would ever cheat on Sarah, but if you watch this movie and Rosamund's performance and still think it's a good idea to cheat on someone, well you deserve what is coming to you.
• It's rare that one person can claim the two creepiest moments of the night, but god damn it John Travolta did it. His thetan count must have been extra high that night. He must have been channeling the spirit of Bill Cosby. That was the best work he has done since Broken Arrow. Congratulations to John.
• I can't tell if this new Lady Gaga schtick is more annoying than her old schtick or they are equally awful. I'm just glad she let Tony Bennett rest for a night.
• No better place than a 4 hour mutual masturbation fest to address all the world's ills. Racism is now over, immigration is solved, and 150 million women just got a pay raise today! Thanks actors!
• Was scrolling through the guide on my TV and noticed a Rosie O'Donnell standup special. I didn't watch it, but it reminded me of my favorite joke in Chappelle Show history: during the "Player Haters Ball" they show pictures of celebrities for the player haters to hate on. When they get to a picture of Rosie, Chappelle's character says "She wears underwear with dick holes in em."
• My show recommendation of the week is Better Call Saul. If you watched Breaking Bad you should already know about this show and already be watching it. Even if you did't watch Breaking Bad you could watch this show and be fine. It's funnier than it's predecessor and it has started off really strong. It will never reach the heights of Breaking Bad just because that show was one of the best 5 or so in history, but it has started off stronger than BB. In case you forgot, that show started off pretty slowly. It had good acting but not a lot happened right off the bat and it wasn't even a lock to go beyond one season. If Better Call Saul can be half the show it's fore-father was, then we are all lucky. 
• Finally, because it is the series finale of Parks and Recreation, here is "5000 Candles in the Wind" by Mouse Rat:

Who is the best player on the Celtics?

A couple weeks ago after the Celtics traded Jeff Green, I posted this question on Facebook. Since I got such a rousing discussion started (2 whole responses), I decided it was worth exploring the answer. Without Green and Rajon Rondo, there is no longer an obvious "best player" on this roster. Bill Simmons often makes this joke when two crappy teams are playing on a nationally televised game: "Tobias Harris, K.J. McDaniels, it's the Orlando Magic and Philadelphia 76'ers tonight on TNT." So who does Ernie Johnson call out when (if?) the Celtics ever get a nationally televised game ever again?

*If you don't want to read a lot of words about basketball you can skip to the end for a new running feature

NO CHANCE

The youngsters - James Young, Phil Pressey
Young has the ability to one day be a go to scorer for this team, but he suffers, like most rookies, from a poor understanding of NBA defensive schemes. He's also only 19 so let's give him some time. Pressey can be fun to watch for about 4 minutes a game when he is darting around the court, crawling into a much taller man's shorts like a bed bug in a New York hotel. He also has the worst field goal percentage in the NBA if he played enough minutes to qualify.

The oldsters - Gerald Wallace, Tayshaun Prince, Shavlik Randolph
The only three guys on the team older than X Mark...yikes. Wallace, with his nitrous oxide voice, has proven to be a solid team leader. But after years of living up to the nickname "Crash," he just can't do much on the court anymore. The original Tay Tay (fuck off Taylor Swift), has actually played really well since coming to the team and I considered bumping him up to the "Maybe" section. He was a part of the great 2000's Pistons teams and he is doing some good things right now. However, I really didn't expect him to even play a minute for this team and any guy who is or was a buyout candidate just can't be the team's best player. Shavlik Randolph used to play for Duke when I was at Maryland so that immediately disqualifies him. Our fans used to say "Shavlik my balls" to him when he was close by, although I guess he could use that as his own method of trash talking. Nice how that works out.

The role players - Marcus Thornton, Jae Crowder
Thornton is supposed to be a scorer off the bench, but he isn't getting many minutes. He has put up some games where he'll score more points than minutes played, but they don't happen too frequently. His True Shooting percentage (measures overall shooting efficiency based on 2's, 3's and FT's) is just 13th on the team this year, so he's not exactly filling his role. Crowder is one of those classic hustle guys that hardworking cities like Boston love (isn't it weird that almost every city besides LA is "hardworking" or "lunch pail"?). He is strong on defense and can hit a shot here and there. He put up 22 points in a game, but has failed to crack double digits since. Nice player and possibly worth resigning next year, but should never be more than a 7th or 8th man.

MAYBE (HOPEFULLY!) SOMEDAY

The rookie - Marcus Smart
I have never been so confident in predicting that a player will become my father's favorite as I am with Smart. His offense right now is the only thing holding him back from already being this team's best player (though he is shooting over 40% on 3's in January). His skill on defense is the best skill that anyone has on this team besides maybe Sully's offensive rebounding. Smart does two subtle things really well. The first is his off the ball defense. He is great at leaving his man to help cover someone cutting to the basket to prevent a pass and then speeding back to his man to not give him an open look. The second is boxing out. NBA players treat boxing out as if they are going to catch a disease from sticking their ass into another man's crotch (Magic has been retired for years, guys). Smart is all about boxing out. As soon as a shot goes up, his head spins to find the closest man to keep away from the hoop. It's beautiful.

The sophomore - Kelly Olynyk
Olynyk is basically the mirror image of Smart. Since starring in Dazed and Confused as a kid, Olynyk shot up to 7 feet tall but maintained the offensive skills of a point guard. He can handle the ball. He can use his height to survey the defense and make smart passes. He has taken the reigns from Rondo with his pass fakes that lead to layups. He's shot the ball decently from 3 and I believe he is the second highest scorer off the bench in the NBA behind Jamal Crawford. Sadly, his lack of athleticism, T-rex arms and doughy physique limit his ability to be a high end defensive player. He can't guard athletic 4's or strong 5's so it is hard to see what kind of defensive player he will ever be. He is also already 24 so he isn't exactly a young prospect despite his short time in the league. But sure, he's the next Dirk...

The statistical darling - Tyler Zeller
There is a stat created by former ESPN writer and current Grizzlies VP John Hollinger called Player Efficiency Rating (PER). It is similar to WAR in baseball as it is supposed to be a sort of catch all statistic. There are a lot of flaws to the stat like there are WAR (mainly how it values defense), but it is a quick and dirty way to see how players are performing overall. Zeller leads the team with a 19.5 PER (league average is 15, the best players usually put up something between 22 and 28, Anthony Davis is at 31.9 this year!). He's achieved this with efficient shooting and rebounding, decent defense and low turnovers. He also doesn't play a ton of minutes so he has not been overexposed. However, if I am going to call a 7-footer the best player on the team, he has to be a much better rim protector than Zeller has been. Once an opponent gets into the lane against this team, they show no fear going to the basket and that includes when Zeller is on the court. Still, this is one of Danny Ainge's best trade acquisitions.

THE CONTENDERS

Really? - Evan Turner
In general, Turner is not a great player. He is wild, inefficient, a bad leader and he sometimes doesn't care about playing defense. But he can do pretty much everything on the court (besides shoot 3's) when he is engaged and he fills up the stat sheet like our long lost Rondo. On a good team he would be nowhere near the top of the list, but here we are. He is also the guy most likely to take the final shot on this team in a close game so that counts for something.

Wait, come on, seriously?? - Brandon Bass
Yes really. On a crappy team there is something to be said about consistency. While our next two players are alternating between 20 point nights and 3 point nights, Bass goes out every night and gives you 10 points, 5 rebounds and solid defense against multiple positions. I don't actually think he is the team's best player, but his hard work and lack of bitching deserve this highest of praise from an infrequent blogger that calls his site "Sexy." You are welcome Brandon. Keep up the strong work.

The 5th year senior - Avery Bradley
Bradley has been in the league 5 years (only 5 months older than Olynyk though), but it still feels like he is a second year player. On offense he never feels sure of himself whether he is dribbling the ball up the court or deciding to take a shot. He is maybe the worst entry passer I have ever seen. His defense has also taken a step back this year. But he is becoming a very good outside shooter and when he wants to play tough defense he is still as good as any perimeter player in the league besides Tony Allen and Smart. I think Bradley's problem is that he is most comfortable as the 4th or 5th best player on a team and right now he is being asked to be 1 or 2. In a different environment I think his play would jump even higher like it did in Ray Allen's final year in Boston.

THE WINNER (BY DEFAULT)

The AssMan - Jared Sullinger
Sully is a very good player and he is probably the best player on the Celtics right now. He is an amazing offensive rebounder with skills similar to Dennis Rodman. I remember reading a Rodman interview in Sports Illustrated back when he was on the Bulls and he talked about how knowing the trajectory of all his teammate's shots and how they would come off the rim allowed him to out maneuver players for the rebounds. He was never the biggest or most athletic guy, but because he understood the angles, he was an otherworldly offensive rebounder. When I watch Sully go for boards, this is what I see. He's not great on the defensive glass because taller players give him problems, but he is still good. He is a pretty good defender, able to get low against taller players and he is quick on his feet for a guy his size. He is a great post player on offense with moves around the hoop you just don't see anymore. He may never become a great outside shooter, but he makes just enough that teams have to pay attention. He can be very inconsistent, but I think that is as much about the coach's game plan as any lack of skill. With his wide array of skills (and lack of competition) Jared "Sully" Sullinger is the new face of the Boston Celtics.

THAT'S SO RANDOM

• I'm going to try something new at the end of my posts. For the people reading this that don't like the sport I'm talking about or sports at all, I am going to just write some quick random thoughts that don't warrant full posts. The title will be "That's So Random", inspired by the character Ja'Mie from the HBO show Summer Heights High. If you like creepy and funny, check out that show.
• Writing this section makes me feel like a young Andy Rooney or Peter Gammons. So do my increasingly bushy eyebrows. Sarah is a lucky girl.
• Real quick on the deflated football scandal (no way I am calling that shit "Deflategate"). This scandal makes me embarrassed to be a sports fan. I'm not kidding. The fact that Bill Nye and Rosie O'Donnell are weighing in on this has to signal to people that it is has gotten out of control. The Patriots won 45-7. If people think that using underinflated footballs for the first half (when the game was still close) is the reason for the blowout then they should have a fucking lobotomy. Get over it. Whether they cheated or not, it's such a minor violation. Cheating is wrong no matter what, but the amount of attention you pay to each instance of cheating should be reflective of the violation. Fine the team, as the league rules dictate in this situation, and move on. 
• Don't bother with Seth Rogen's The Interview. I saw it last night and I had very low expectations and even those weren't met. SPOILER ALERT I wanted to see it to see what the fuss was about, but it was actually incredibly tame towards North Korea, and borderline supportive! They actually make Kim Jong Un seem like a fun dude to hang out with and his death scene really isn't that bad. I know North Korea is crazy, but if they wanted to kill America over this piece of shit movie, they need to go see a therapist.
• One thing I learned recently was how to spell "bogeyman." My mind is completely blown that there is only one "o" in that word. I'm much more afraid of a "boogie man" than I am a "bogeyman."
• I may do a "Top Stand Up Specials" list at some point, but for now everyone should check out Bill Burr's most recent one on Netflix. Really you should check out anything he's ever done. He's brutally honest but somehow doesn't come off as ignorant, unless he admits that he is ignorant about something. From Bill: "First time I heard the story of Scientology I was like 'that is the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my life.'  While simultaneously still kinda believing that a woman that never got fucked had a baby that walked on water, died and came back three days later."
• RIP Ernie Banks. Great baseball player. Mr. Cub. Owner of possibly the most perfect quote any man has ever uttered: "It's a great day for a ballgame, let's play two!"
• It's the final season of Parks and Recreation. It is no longer as consistently hilarious as it used to be, but there are still great jokes and I really like watching all these characters. There was an episode that ran last week that focused entirely on Leslie and Ron and it was one of the best the show ever ran. It ended with this Willie Nelson song "Buddy". Got a little dusty in my apartment that night.

Emotioal Mark v. Rational Mark: Rondo Traded

In honor of Stephen Colbert's final show, I am going to try a new gimmick inspired by his "A formidable opponent" gimmick: Emotional Mark v. Rational Mark.

The first topic my duality will tackle is the trade of Celtics star Rajon Rondo. For those who don't know the details, Rajon Rondo and Dwight Powell were traded to the Dallas Mavericks for Jae Crowder, Brandan Wright, Jameer Nelson, a protected 2015 first round pick (likely to be received in 2016), a second round pick and a $12.9 million trade exception. I apologize in advance for Emotional Mark; he's got a dirty mouth.

Rational Mark: This is the best the Celtics could get for Rondo. Let's look at how the rest of the league views Rondo at this point. He is a free agent after this year and expects to be paid a max contract. He does a lot of things really well, but he also does a lot of things really poorly. These things include shooting from the foul line, shooting from the three point line, and this year (not in years past) shooting from mid-range. He's also not quite the defender he used to be (though he is better than he has gotten credit for this year). He definitely chases stats. There is nothing quite like realizing he is within a few points/assists/rebounds of a triple double and watching him literally chase rebounds or pass up open shots for a pass or take contested shots instead of pass. He also may or may not have a bad attitude. I tend to think that trait has been overblown, but it certainly could have driven down his market value. So adding all these factors up, it's not terribly surprising we couldn't get much back.

Emotional Mark: This is the best the Celtics could get for Rondo!?!?!?! What is the fucking point then? These are not real assets. The players we got back are role players and the first round pick is likely to be in the 20's two years from now. You know what types of players get picked in the 20's? Fab Melo and JaJuan Johnson. Great work Danny, can't wait to see the next Fab Melo walk through that door. Why wouldn't we just hang onto Rondo through the rest of the year, let him throw beautiful entry passes to Tyler Zeller, perform his around the back fakes, post his triple doubles and then sail off into the sunset next year. Ya we would lose him for nothing, but we basically got nothing back. There is even the possibility we could have got a better offer closer to the deadline. I know the "experts" are saying this is the best we were going to do even if we waited, but so fucking what? This return is shitty. When you can eat shit now or eat shit later, why not just eat shit later if you at least get to watch Rondo for 3 more months? It's not like this was a deal we couldn't refuse.

Rational Mark: The return isn't so bad. Wright is a super efficient post player. The all time record for field goal percentage in a single season is 72.7%, held by Wilt Chamberlain in 1972. Wright this year is shooting 74.8%. Not many people can claim to hold a statistic better than Wilt. He does a lot of his damage on pick and rolls, a play set that Brad Stevens clearly wants to run more. He is also the mythical rim protector the team has been desperate for since they traded Garnett. Crowder is a good wing defender and can shoot threes. The less said about Nelson the better, but maybe he'll be an even better mentor for Marcus Smart.

The first round pick and trade exception are the real keys to the deal. The trade exception means that the Celtics can take on any contract or combinations of contracts up to $12.9 million in a trade even if they are over the cap. A large trade exception from the Paul Pierce trade was the only reason the team was able to get Zeller, Marcus Thornton and a first round pick. In a league often driven by financial decisions, the team now stands poised to absorb an undesirable contract from a team with the caveat they sweeten the deal with a first round pick and/or a young player like Zeller.

The first round pick may end up in the 20's next year, but it could also end up in the lottery this year or next year as well. Rondo will probably make the Mavs better, but he also may not. As we discussed before, there was a reason he was able to be had so cheaply. He could screw up what the Mavs have going right now. He could also get hurt as could Tyson Chandler or Dirk, who are both deep into their 30's, and torpedo that team. The Western Conference is an unforgiving bitch and just one injury on any of those teams could drop them right out of the playoffs.

Emotional Mark: Brandan Wright shoots 75% because he gets open shots because the Mavs have shooters surrounding him to space the floor. Who is spacing the floor on the Celtics? And who is going to get the passes to him off the pick and roll any way? I honestly sometimes mistake Phil Pressey for the ball boy and Smart can't stay on the court. Speaking of staying on the court, Wright has never averaged more than 18 minutes per game in a season. And oh by the way, Wright is a free agent after this year! This is one of the things that pisses me off most about this trade. Rondo is a free agent after this year so I get why you trade him so you don't end up with nothing. But Wright and Crowder are also both free agents so that counts for nothing. Nelson isn't a free agent, but that's not a good thing since he is just going to clog up the Celtics' cap sheet next year. The only long term asset acquired is a likely shitty draft pick to add to our "treasure trove" of other shitty draft picks from the Clippers and Cavs. If these assets had any real value, the Timberwolves would have traded us Kevin Love before the season started and we wouldn't be having this talk right now.

Rational Mark: Regardless of what you think about the assets the team has acquired, it was time to accelerate the rebuild. The Celtics right now were mildly competitive. They have lost a lot of close games this year that could easily have been wins. They aren't far off from the number 8 seed in the Eastern Conference (ya, the league is that bad once again). Keeping Rondo around could have made the team good enough to make that 8 seed. And while playoff basketball is great, getting swept in the first round isn't really that fun. Typically teams that hover around that 8 seed have a hard time progressing much further than that. It is pretty clear that Danny Ainge and ownership aren't content with challenging for playoff spots. They want to win championships. In making the team worse this year, they can improve their draft position and hopefully land their future superstar in the draft to go along with the other quality young players on the team.

Emotional Mark: I'm sick of the fucking draft, I really am. I played this game last year and I'm done with it. So what if we lucked into the 8th seed this year? That would be a huge accomplishment for these young players and it would have been an indicator that Rondo is a good leader. This has been a crazy fun team this year. The close losses suck, but the thing about rebuilding is that you don't really care about the final results. The Celtics haven't had a team this entertaining since 2009. Rondo is a huge part of why they were so much fun to watch. He does stuff on the court that I have never seen before. Not everything is necessarily the right move and he may not help the team win as much as it seems, but he's fun! Wins are great and championships are great, but fun basketball is just as great. If you don't think it's fun to watch Rondo than you are probably an old white Boston sportswriter named Dan Shaugnessy or Mike Felger or Gary Tanguay.

I also want to address this chase for the Championship. Winning the title in 2008 was amazing. I was there. It was one of the best nights of my life and I would love to get back there. The reality is that it is nearly impossible to win a championship in the NBA. In my 30 years on this earth, there have been 8 different NBA teams to win a championship. That means 22 teams have not won in that time. Almost every team that wins is anchored by a top 10 player and one or two more top 20 players. Getting guys like that is really difficult. I don't think Rondo is a top 20 player right now and I don't think he would help us land one. I also don't know that these draft picks will yield those players either.

My point in bringing all this up, is that it is more likely that the Celtics will not win a title in the next 30 years no matter what moves they make unless we luck into a once in a generation talent in the draft. So if we aren't going to win a title any time soon, why not just watch fun, unique, awesome players and teams? Trading Rondo makes me enjoy basketball less.

Rational Mark: You know what EM? You are right and surprisingly rational. This trade blows. What's the frigging point of watching basketball if teams are just going to consider the players a bunch of line items on a balance sheet? Basketball is a multi-billion dollar industry, but it's also a game. Games are supposed to be fun. Happy fucking holidays Boston, enjoy Jameer Nelson. It's 10:36 AM as I am writing this. Is that too early for a drink?

Emotional Mark: Not at all, RM. I'm already on my third. Let's go to whatever bar will have us and watch Rondo Youtube highlights.

Come Back NBA! (Part 2)

On its own, the NBA is a spectacular league that I love to watch. But it also serves another purpose in my world.

My passion is baseball, but when the season ends I need something else to occupy my time. The NBA gives me exactly that. Until now. Besides the obvious entertainment value I get out of it, the NBA gives me something  to talk/read/write about while baseball players slumber.

When the Red Sox season ends, win or lose, people love to talk about feelings, chemistry, leaders, cancers and what ever other post facto argument for success ("Cowboy Up!") or failure ("Chicken and beer :(") they can come up with that have little to no bearing on what actually happened on the field. When the NBA is around, I get to watch Paul Pierce and the boys make beautiful music on the court. Now, I have to deal with this mind numbing shit head on. So here are my quick thoughts on the Bob Hohler piece.

• I can't stand anonymous sources. Man up to the shit you smear. Unless it is a political controversy, either put your name on what you say or don't say anything at all.
• Poor Terry Francona. None of what was printed in this is any of our business.
• Larry Lucchino made some comment about how this was "Hohler's take" on the situation. The radio jockeys are blasting Lucchino for saying this, but I don't get why. Yes the bulk of the column is information he received in interviews, but they are still coordinated in a way to support a specific narrative that Hohler decided on. This is like saying that Michael Moore is only presenting the facts when he makes his "documentaries."
• The biggest instance of Hohler imparting his own take is with the infamous chicken, beer and video games revelation. He starts by saying how the signs of the collapse appeared early in the season (of course nobody noticed them when they occurred) when some of the pitchers appeared in the "Hell Yeah, I Like Beer" video. He then says that Lackey, Lester and Beckett were drinking, eating chicken and playing video games in the locker room, though never once says how often and under what circumstances. Then he says that some of the guys cut back on their in-season workouts. Then he closes with the terrible September stats of the 3 starters. I may not be no fancy journalist, but to me that seems like a writer saying "Beer video -> drinking beer -> not working out -> bad September performance." With no concrete evidence that these three things caused the bad performance, this is what we call a "take."
• If you want to follow this story line, find out how often this happened. Was it a Sunday only thing? Was it every start that one of the three weren't involved in? Was it once a month? Was it only during blowouts? How long were they in the clubhouse? These are all things we should know if we are to speculate on how disruptive these activities were to the team.
• Beyond the basic 4 W's and an H (I took a class in High School), shouldn't we then look to see if there is any evidence that these practices lead to poor performance? There have been tons of out of shape, drunk and loner players that have had tremendous success individually and with their teams. Truthfully, nobody has ever measured the effects of working out or not working out mid-season so it is not fair to make the connection until it happens.
• People talk about how chemistry was a reason for the collapse, but who has more chemistry than 3 or 4 dudes sitting around drinking beer, eating chicken and playing video games?

Please come back NBA. I hate writing this stuff.

Come Back NBA! (Part 1)

So the NBA canceled the first 2 weeks of the season. I know what you are thinking, and the answer is, "Yes", I am on suicide watch 24 hours a day. You can all breath easier now.

My therapist, Dr. J, says I should share my frustrations with the people I care about during these trying times. So any time I hear or see something that makes me long for sneakers squeaking, balls bouncing and KG screaming, I will share it with my loyal readers.

Yesterday while driving home from work, someone called into 98.5 The Sports Hub to discuss Milan Lucic. For those few who haven't jumped on the bandwagon, Lucic is the star left winger for the Boston Bruins. He led the team in goals scored, points and was 4th in plus minus last year.

The caller started by reminiscing the days when "Luc" was young and he would get in fights every game. Fine, I can deal with that, people like fighting. Then he says something like, "but last year we would only talk about him fighting every few games and it seemed like he was more focused on scoring than mixing it up. I mean, when the puck isn't going in, Luc has a great over hand right."

What fucking sport is this?!?!?!?!?! Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Please come back NBA. I can't listen to morons complaining that their leading scorer isn't better at a completely different sport. Scoring wins hockey games. Over hand rights win boxing matches. Fuck I hate hockey.

Money for Nothing (NBA Remix)

Last night, Sadie Sloe Gin told me how excited she was for the upcoming NBA season. Though my cockels were thoroughly warmed, my heart was simultaneously breaking because I fear we will have no NBA season this year. I thought I would channel that heartbreak into a song...

The Mavs are NBA Champions

Here are my scattered thoughts on the NBA Finals. I am going to attempt to go longer than any other writer before mentioning the losing team. Shouldn't be too hard...

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks for winning their first ever NBA title. The team has only been around since 1980, but they suffered through some really terrible years before acquiring Dirk Nowitzki in the 1998 draft (one pick ahead of Paul Pierce). Since then, they have won 50 games every year for 11 years, lost the 2006 NBA Finals and the following year became just the third number 1 seed to lose to a number 8 seed (Golden State). This is the culmination of a lot of roster tweaks around one of the best players of all time…

Speaking of the German, he has never been one of my favorites, probably because I have a hard time enjoying the way most European’s play the game. But he kicked some serious ass in this series and it is good to see him win one. Maybe I never watched enough of him, but seeing his arms extend 20 feet into the sky over the defender to shoot a rainbow jump shot is one of the finest things I’ve seen on an NBA court since Mariah Carey put on a Michael Jordan jersey dress for her half time performance at the 2003 NBA All Star Game. In the span of 2 months, Dirk has solidified himself as the best Euro player of all time, shed the “soft” label, distanced himself from Karl Malone and Charles Barkley, become the most relevant German-in-America since Kissinger and fueled the flames of a ridiculous argument that he is now Larry Bird’s equal…

I don’t want to bring the negativity while I’m trying to celebrate the Mavs’ win, but the Bird-Nowitzki comparisons need to stop. They are both tall, blonde, gangly and have beautiful jumpers, but Bird’s overall game is way more impressive than Dirk’s. And as Jason Segel reminds us in the trailer for Bad Teacher (which, even though it stars Cameron Diaz, looks kind of funny if you watch the Red Band trailer), the only argument here is 3 to 1…

Dirk may have won finals MVP, but he had a ton of help. Jason Terry was a tiny black Bill Walton in this series, providing a massive boost for the team off the bench. He is their second best scorer and single handedly kept the offense in the game in the first half while Dirk was shooting 1-12. He also knows how to say the word “strength” (not “strenf”) as Sexy Boston Sports Linguistics Expert Sadie Sloe Gin pointed out…

Sadie also noticed Tyson Chandler giving some woman (his mother? his wife?) a big hug during the post game celebration, saying the lady must be thinking “I’m gonna be rich!” Little did Sadie know that Chandler is a free agent this offseason, dominated the playoffs,  gave a new identity to Dallas’ defense and plays for an owner that has given out massive contracts to the likes of Raef LaFrentz, Erik Dampier and Brendan Haywood. Chandler and all of his women are going to be very rich indeed…

Speaking of the owner, as SportsGuy33 (Bill Simmons) pointed out on Twitter, it was very disappointing to see David Stern hand the Larry O’Brien trophy to the founder of the Mavericks instead of to Mark Cuban. I wonder if the two have some kind of verbal restraining order that prohibits either of them from communicating to the other in public…

The moment was not without unintentional comedy, thankfully. As David Stern handed the trophy to Mavs founder Don Carter, he congratulated “Don and his wife Linda Jo”, who was nowhere to be seen. Then, like Bruce Springsteen pulling Courtney Cox to stardom in his Dancing In the Dark video, Carter yanked Linda Jo through the sea of giants on the platform to join him for this historical moment. I’m also not entirely sure she didn’t think she WAS Courtney Cox at this moment…

It’s usually fun to see a great player win his first championship at 38 years old, but Jason Kidd is still a wife beater so I’m going to go out on a limb and say we shouldn’t celebrate him…

Brian Cardinal stepped up with some solid defensive plays and toughness last night that gave the Mavs a little emotional bump. Cardinal takes his rightful place alongside Brian Scalabrine, Mark Madsen, Jack Haley, Jud Buechler, Matt Bullard, Kurt Rambis and M.L. Carr (honorary member) as members of the With Hustle and Inspiration Teams Excel (W.H.I.T.E.) club…

Your last two Finals MVP (Dirk, Kobe Bryant) shot a combined 15-51 in the clinching game…

A big thanks to Mike Breen for really capturing the moment of one of the NBA’s greatest players winning his first championship and also the first championship for his franchise. Wait, what? He didn’t capture it at all? Instead of using his outside voice, he culminated the victory with all the excitement of Dwight Schrute’s birthday banner for Kelly Kapur (“It’s your birthday.”). And it’s not like using subdued calls for big moments is Breen’s thing. In this video at the 5 minute mark (WARNING: It’s last year’s Lakers’ win), you can hear Breen excitedly yelling about the pass ahead to Gasol and the Lakers winning back to back championships. The finish wasn’t as tense this year, but the moment was just as big. Shame on you Mike for not treating it as such… 

Of course the Miami Heat (13^th paragraph before a mention! That’s definitely a record this year!) did everything they could to sap the excitement from the moment. After going the last two minutes of the game without fouling (more on this in a minute) despite an 8-11 point deficit, Chris Bosh fouled Jason Kidd, down 11, with 18 seconds left. After a Nowitzki layup 10 seconds prior, the Heat turned the ball over and Kidd grabbed it looking to dribble out the clock. With security scurrying around the court to secure the perimeter and the Dallas bench spilling onto the floor, this looked like it would be Kidd’s chance to do a victory lap in the heat of the moment of his first championship. Then the alien predator threw his tentacles around the point guard and the momentum faded. To add insult to injury, Coach Valderamma called a 20 second time out after the foul shots, again pouring sand on the flames of victory. What could he have possibly been discussing in that 20 seconds? Reminding LeBron and Bosh that they should hold off on crying until the locker room cameras can get a good focus on them so they look like they really cared? Saying his final farewell before Pat Riley fired him on the way back to the locker room? Maybe he was waiting for the last of the front runner Miami fans to finish their getaways that started with a full 2 minutes left. Either way, poor form on the Heat…

For the second year in a row, a LeBron James team gave up at the end of a game within reach. Just like in Game 6 of the Cleveland-Boston series last year, the LeBron team inexplicably failed to foul or play offense with a sense of urgency. Last year, LeBron’s “excuse” was that he had one foot out the door and was trying to grease the skids for his exit from Cleveland. This year? Who the f knows. This guy has lost all credibility despite his considerable talents. There is such a thing as shrinking from the moment, but LeBron in this series was like a penis in a bucket of ice water…

On a larger scale, this was a great Finals matchup that proved very popular with viewers. Hopefully it reminds the owners and players just how far the league has come and how strong a product the league presents every night the Timberwolves aren’t playing. As Simmons reminds us on his new site, Grantland.com, the league is staring down the barrel of a lockout. With more great talent than ever, strong teams in top markets (LA, Boston, NY, Miami, Chicago), a huge international presence and big personalities including legitimate villains, the league absolutely has to continue riding this wave of popularity. If we lose part of the season next year, there is a good chance that hockey, the sport that can’t even get its championship on network television, will surpass the NBA. Figure it out fellas and long live the NBA!

Support Our Mavericks

Raise your hand if you want the Miami Heat to win the NBA Championship. Unless I suddenly have some readers who are “lifelong” Heat fans that treat every game like P Diddy’s birthday party and wouldn’t know an outlet pass from an outlet store, I’m guessing none of you raised your hand. With my beloved Celtics out of the hunt and a couple other sentimental favorites (Thunder, Grizzlies) also on the sidelines, this year’s Finals is all about rooting against the new villains of the NBA. Since I’ve already been over why the Heat are so hateable (LeBron is a quitter, Bosh is an alien AND a predator), I think we should look at the other team (now down 0-1) in the series, the Dallas Mavericks. We are all already rooting against the Heat, so why not throw on a blue jersey and blonde wig and hop on the Maverick bandwagon? What follows is a walk through the Mavs team to give you all some reasons to cheer.

Mark Cuban: Papa Maverick can be a little annoying, sure, but he has lived the life every guy in their 20s and 30s dreams of. Who of us out there hasn’t tried to figure out a way to start a business that we can sell off for millions or even billions of dollars then take that money and buy a sports team, star in crappy TV shows, appear at WWE events, date models, and feud with the head of the Jewish Mafia (David Stern)? Sexy Boston Sports’ Entrepreneurial Mind Joe Black comes to me with a hot new business idea almost weekly so we can  follow this exact path. Cuban is a man we should all look up to.

Rick Carlisle: Carlisle looks exactly like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. In that fictitious world, Truman’s TV show was the most watched program of all time, so we can assume Truman would be just as popular in our world. So whenever you see Carlisle on the sidelines, just remember how endearing he was in that scene when Truman drew the spaceman helmet on the mirror with a bar of soap. Wouldn’t you rather root for the coach that looks like the star of Dumb and Dumber than the coach that looks like the star of Yo Mama? Also, used to play for the Celtics and attended Worcester Academy.

Jason Kidd: If you can get past that domestic abuse charge (I don’t blame you if you can’t), you find one of the all time great point guards getting probably his last shot at his first NBA title. It’s actually pretty incredible that on a team with so many veterans, not a single one has ever won a pro championship. Kidd is one of the best passers the league has ever seen and he combined that ability with his great size and strength to be a triple double machine. Guards usually break down in their early 30s, but Kidd has admirably remade himself into a strong defender and deadly spot up 3 point shooter allowing him to fight father time. And, in case you forgot, his son used to look like the adorable alien baby in Men In Black that throws up on Will Smith. Awwww.

DeShawn Stevenson: Stevenson is kind of a thug and a pretty low impact player by NBA standards. But somehow this journeyman has found a way under LeBron’s freshly bitten fingernails. A couple years ago, while Stevenson was with the Wizards and LeBron was with the Cavs, he called the “King” overrated. Most dominant athletes that know how to act like men would chuckle at a player of Stevenson’s caliber saying something like this and would set their minds to destroying them the next time they shared the court. But since LeBron is a (scary) man baby, the feud escalated all the way to the top. That’s right, Jay-Z rapped about the feud in Blow the Whistle. Any man who averages 7.7 points a game in his career that can make it into a Jay-Z song deserves to be applauded.

Peja Stojakovic: Peja looks like one of those foreign guys from movies that married middle aged women watch that hooks up with the married middle aged woman character while her husband is working late yet again so he can make enough money to buy those bottles of anti-aging ointment made out of baby lion tears that she finds so necessary to attract young foreign guys. Normally this would be a man to be hated, but this type of actor can also play the role of foreign liaison for American mercenaries sent to destroy the mysterious alien-predator (Chris Bosh) roaming the South American rain forest so we will imagine him as such.

Jason Terry: There is a lot to like about Terry. He is a classic sixth man, a role the Celtics desperately need. Terry is the Mavs second best offensive player and provides instant offense when he checks into the game. He is one of two Mavs with a good nickname (JET), though he gets deducted a couple points because those are his initials and because the nickname was already used for Kenny Smith amongst others. He has a tiny little peanut head that he wraps with a sweat band that is just a joy to watch zoom around the court. And according to JockBio.com, he used to sleep in his uniform the night before his college games and he has a tattoo of Underdog.

Tyson Chandler: Bod-bod-bod-body blow! Because if anyone can make Wade and James think twice about barreling into the lane it is this guy.

JJ Barea: Barea dates this woman. She is Zuleyka Rivera, Miss Universe 2006. As former ruler of the Universe, she maintains a vested interest in the affairs of the Universe, using her former status for diplomatic efforts much like Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. A world championship for her boyfriend could go a long way in influencing the Universal Council to banish Chris Bosh back to his home land on Planet LV-426.

Shawn Marion: Marion has the other cool nickname on the team, The Matrix (ironically, given to him by Kenny “The Jet” Smith). Marion found the nickname so cool, he got it tattooed on his leg. In Chinese. Only problem is, the characters don’t translate to “The Matrix”. According to Basketbawful.com, Marion’s tattoo approximately means “Demon Bird Mothballs”. So why is this little bit of American ignorance so cheer-worthy? Because who doesn’t have a friend (Rob Boucini) that got a Chinese character tattoo that was supposed to mean something cool or deep only to find out later it didn’t actually mean that at all? Marion is just our little buddy who made one of two mistakes (the other is contracting herpes) that last a lifetime.

Dirk Nowitzki: Finally, we reach the heart of the team. For some reason, Germans have gotten a bad rap over the last century. While everyone spent that time being angry at the entire population, Germany spit out some loveable figures that just seem happy to be alive. Augustus Gloop was a chubby little cherub who  had an infatuation for chocolate. David Hasselhoff is a silky voiced German-American Adonis who just wants to share his songs with the world and save lives. Dieter was an affable asexual that got happy as a little girl when given the opportunity to dance for his audience. And Dirk Nowitzki is a mountain of a golden haired man who makes baskets anywhere he wants on the floor better than most players in NBA history. You could almost say he was… superior? In his quest to put the cherry on top of his bavarian creme pie of an NBA career, I encourage all my faithful readers to march behind Nowitzki as he attempts to take over Miami once and for all. Die Hitze schlagen! (Beat the Heat!)

Festivus in May

Usually when something bad happens in Boston sports, after my allergies stop making my eyes water, I try to be the voice of reason for my crazed friends and family. But after losing two Game 7s in a row, one to our hated rivals in the Finals, and then losing Games 4 and 5 the way we did to this collection of reprehensible a-holes, I need to air my grievances. So in the spirit of Christmas in July, this is Festivus in May. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people…

Paul Pierce. Why couldn’t you act more like the Captain? I had to get the toughest grievance out of the way first because Pierce is still my favorite player of all time. The dirty little secret of the Celtics of the last 4 years is that despite having the mythical “veteran presence” in Pierce, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett, the team has not had a true leader since Sam Cassell, P.J. Brown and James Posey left. Pierce has grown up before our eyes and is no longer the brooding child he used to be, but I think he falls well short of being a true leader. Game 1 he gets a bone head technical to intimidate James Jones leaving him open to earn that second one and get booted from the game. Game 5 he and Rondo were running up court together and Rondo passed Pierce the ball to have him bring it up only to have Pierce throw it right back to him while making my trademark “are you a complete idiot?” face. This reminded me of how Pierce and the other veterans were freezing out Rondo and Perkins the last couple years because they were emerging talents and wouldn’t fall in line. Game 4 with the final possession, while it was not entirely Pierce’s fault, it was a clear reminder of Pierce’s tendency to go into hero mode at the end of the game, eschewing what has worked all game in order to get his. I’ll always love you Paul, but this series with Rondo hurt the team needed a leader and you failed to provide that.

Doc Rivers. Why couldn’t you figure out how to work with the new guys? I already touched on this so I’ll make it brief. You had 2 months of regular season play to figure out how to fit Jeff Green, Nenad Kristic and all the guys returning from injury into this team and you failed. Playing Green at the 2 and having him guard Wade last night was the last in a long line of terrible lineups you played this series. You say you are leaning heavily towards returning, but is that really best for this team? Maybe you are hoping we have a terrible year next year and we can draft your son in the first round the following year. You know, because that worked out so well for the Dunleavys.

Ray Allen. Why do you have to look the same as you did when you were 24? I’m 27 and I don’t look the same as I did when I was 24. Not only is this completely depressing, but it also makes people forget that you are an old shooting guard and that we can’t count on you to score 20 a night while also defending the best player on the Heat. Start drinking some Bud Heavy’s or something and look a little more like a 36 year old so we stop getting tricked.

Kevin Garnett. Why don’t you play down low for the whole game? You are 7 feet tall.  I know you can hit a perimeter jumper, but why, knowing full well that you dominate down low, do you not set up shop on the block every time down the court? I’m scared of that weird predator looking mother f***** they've got guarding you too, but you are better than him. Cover your body in mud if you have to so he can't see your body heat, but get your ass down low.

Rajon Rondo. Why can’t you just develop a jumper? After getting hurt in Game 3 I can’t really be upset with the way you played in the subsequent games, but in the first 2 games you were terrible. When the league figures you out, great players evolve. Take some Charles Darwin pills, grow some legs and crawl out of the primordial ooze. With a jump shot.

Jermaine and Shaquille O’Neal. Why were you each half of a good starting center this year? You were brought in to be part of a 3 headed monster at center once Perkins returned from injury and then last night I’m staring at the screen watching KG at center and Pierce at power forward. You each had your moments this year, but it was unfortunately these moments that led to Danny Ainge trading Perk thinking we could rely on you. Why couldn’t we just combine your two chubby bodies to form a super center like Station from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey?

Glenn Davis. Why are you here? You aren’t even worthy of my grieving.

Tom Thibodeau. Why you gotta be so selfish? This team was built on the defense that you taught and then you just left us for your own pursuits. Yes, the team was still great on defense this year, but it was because of the Core Four. The new guys definitely did not buy into the system the way the players the last three years did. The overall numbers were good, but slow rotations from new players left gaping holes in the defense on key possessions that ended up crippling this team. So now you are in your fancy new job, coaching the best team in the league and you have a good shot at going to the Finals. It’s just always gotta be about you, doesn’t it?

John Lackey. Why are you in my life? On a night where my favorite team suffers a heart breaking end of the season loss for the third year in a row, you still have to pop into my mind. In 7 starts you have given up at least 6 runs 4 times! Your ERA is above 8! At least you feel about yourself the way we all feel about you right now.

The Miami Heat. Why does your logo look like a nut sack? That comes courtesy of The Spot.

Chris “Alien Predator” Bosh. Why did you have to explode through Executive Officer Kane’s stomach and wreak havoc on the Nostromo? Why did you have to crash land in Guatemala and kill Carl Weathers? Why did you have to make a bunch of shitty sequels culminating in Alien Vs. Predator which should have been called Bosh Vs. Bosh? Why won’t you just die already?

Pat Riley. Why did you have to bring this unholy trinity together? Looking to follow the Celtics model, you inadvertently created a new landscape where star players feel the need to unite with 2 other stars in their primes if they hope to have any shot at a championship. The problem with this is that this model only works when you can either surround the players with complementary pieces (Celtics in '07) or if you have 2 of the best 5 players in the league among that group that can cover up for all the team’s glaring deficiencies (Heat now). With no due respect to Bosh, the Heat are nothing beyond Lebron and Wade, but they are so good that it clearly doesn’t matter. In bringing those 3 together though, other teams and players think they can replicate what they have in Miami, but I promise you they can’t. Amare and Carmelo in New York will not work. Deron Williams may be able to attract Dwight Howard to Brooklyn, but they won’t get a third star and the team is so depleted beyond them it won’t matter. The Heat are also distracting people from the beautiful collection of talent in Oklahoma City and Memphis, the one star surrounded by a great supporting cast in Dallas, and the defensive monster with one star in Chicago. There are a thousand ways to construct a roster in the NBA, but Pat Riley has created a copy cat environment that will make the league worse off.

Dwyane Wade. Why did you have to sell your soul to the devil? Until this year you were one of the most likeable players in the league. You drove the lane and went to the floor like Allen Iverson. You played defense like Gary Payton. You scored in bunches like Vinnie Johnson. You made humorous commercials with my favorite non-Celtic Charles Barkley. You owned your city and had already won a championship. With your talents I’m sure Riley could have built a more traditional team around you to get you back in contention, but you just couldn’t wait. You had to go out and recruit your two “friends” only to find out one of them is a giant predator alien who is scared of everything and the other is some immature d bag who only cares about his public image and (save for Games 4 and 5) cannot handle pressure situations. And since the moves left the rest of your team so depleted and because the predator alien is so scared, you had to become the team’s enforcer in addition to its best player. This led to a host of cheap shots in this series including the devastating injury to Rondo. And now I do not like you. So take that.

Lebron James. Why do you anger me so much? I used to defend you when morons like 98.5 The Sports Hub’s Mike Felger said that you weren’t that talented and were just a freak athlete that couldn’t win. I used to be in awe of watching you play and sorta enjoyed how much fun you had with it. Then you quit on your team last year against the Celtics and everything changed. The Decision. The preseason fireworks show. Throwing your coach under the bus. The terrible commercials. You have made me dislike you more than that guy who plays for the Lakers who was convicted of a sex crime. Do you know how confusing that is? Now when I watch you I start to think like Mike Felger. I see you as some more athletic version of Ron Artest. I love it when you shoot. I expect you to miss. Then you run off 10 points to close the game last night and I get pissed at myself for forgetting how good you are and pissed at you for crying after winning a second round series. Grow up. You could have gone down as the second greatest player of all time with tens of millions of adoring fans. Instead, people will continue to knock what you do on the court because they simply can’t stand you. And the only people who “love” you are a bunch of rich beach sluts that can’t be bothered to show up on time to your games and what’s worse is that they think it’s ok to wear white after labor day!

David Stern. Why are you screwing up the NBA right in the middle of its most successful season? The talent level is at an all time high. Ratings are through the roof. Rivalries are starting to build back up. The league has become truly international. We may finally have a brand new champion this year (Memphis/Dallas/OKC). The league is raking in tons of dough. But the owners can’t save them from themselves so they need big bad Mr. Stern to save them. If games are missed next year because a group of terrible owners didn’t know how to run their business, I will place a call to my mafia family and have them start a war with your mob. It’s your move Stern.

Thanks for reading my grievances. I think I feel a little better now. Hopefully those of you who like basketball in general will continue to watch the playoffs this year because there are still a lot of fun and entertaining teams that don't play in that sweaty taint of a city called Miami. Let's go Oklahoma City!

We needed Richard Kimble but we got Sykes

The Celtics got outplayed last night and it was a miracle the team was able to force a tie at the end of the game. Paul Pierce had a strong first half but was pretty quiet in the second half and made a couple terrible turnovers in the fourth. Kevin Garnett had one of his worst games of the season, shooting 1 for 10 including taking and missing just 2 shots inside the paint, while also allowing Alien Chris Bosh to pull down 12 rebounds, score 20 points and get some much needed confidence back. Ray Allen was mostly a non factor and was thoroughly beat by Dwyane Wade. The bench and Jermaine O’Neal actually played decently, especially on defense, but playing 30 minutes left Delonte West a little exposed as a ball handler and leader of the offense. Finally, Rajon Rondo played really well. For a one armed man. And that was the problem, the Celtics needed a two armed man to lead their attack on both ends of the floor if they were going to beat the two headed monster of Wade and James (and missing that wide open layup with a minute left had nothing to do with the left arm).

I want to make a point to say that if (and when) the Celtics lose this series it is not because Danny Ainge traded Kendrick Perkins. Perkins would not have taken those 9 shots that KG missed. Perkins would have taken Jermaine’s productive minutes in this series and who knows if he would have played them as well (he’s having a pretty bad series against Memphis right now). Perkins would not have taken the wide open layup that Rondo missed or the terrible final shot in regulation that Pierce bricked. He may have set a better pick on that final play to free Ray than KG did, but most likely he would not have even been in on that play because he was such an offensive liability.

The Celtics are losing (and will lose) this series because Dwyane Wade and Lebron James are just too good for this team right now. They are much better players than Pierce and Allen at this stage of their careers so without KG and Rondo consistently outplaying their counterparts as they should, the Celtics just can’t compete. With Rondo’s injury and KG’s reluctance to assert himself on offense over a man who is open about getting nervous before games, this has just not been possible for the whole series. The bench should have been a strength for the Celtics too, but for whatever reason the pieces just never fit. The “experts” on the big networks like to talk about how important experience is in the playoffs, but for my money I will take talent every time and the Heat have just too much talent in their top 2 players for the Celtics to overcome.

The one positive in all of this is that the Celtics are down 3-1 and not 3-0. Teams have come back from this deficit before, but usually they have 2 of the last 3 at home, and not the other way around like the Celtics. As a Red Sox fan I have learned to never fully give up on a good team in the playoffs, but to say I am optimistic would be a lie. And not to shit in everybody’s cereal, but with a potential season ending lockout looming, this could be the last we see of Celtics basketball for a while. So if this series comes to a close tomorrow night, I would recommend checking out the Hawks-Bulls series and especially the Grizzlies-Thunder series because both have been extremely entertaining to this point. Also, pick a rooting interest in the Western Conference because every potential East representative in the Finals makes me shudder. In fact, why not cheer for Perk, Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder? That’s who I’ll be watching as my team, the Celtics, head home after a strong season that was probably their last chance at number 18 for a while.