Them's Fighting Words

Since I forced you all to sit through a J.D. Drew post and a post about team doctors this week, here is something more entertaining. Although the doctor post only had 9 hits so I guess not too many of you suffered.


Sexy Boston Sports' Pugilistic Enthusiast Kati Welch sent me a post idea via text message a couple weeks ago: "Can u (sic) do a blog comaparing (sic) sports fites (sic)?And (sic) why hockey ones are bogus, haha” (yes folks, she is a high school English teacher). Done and done*. Today I am going to look at the brawl styles of the four major sports by comparing each sport to the different types of people who get into bar fights, with bonus video clips from fights from each sport. Let’s get ready to rumbllllllllllllllle!!!

The Superman Exists and He is British?

Sexy Boston Sports’ Chief TV Critic Sadie Sloe Gin and I just wrapped up Season 3 of FX’s wildly entertaining Sons Of Anarchy. For those of you who saw promos on FX and were turned off by either a show about bikers, Peggy Bundy in a serious role, a bulked up Lloyd (from Undeclared), or (like most Americans) Ron Pearlman’s face, please fire up the Netflix and watch the first 2 seasons of the show. It’s not always the most well acted or well written show on TV, but it contains non-stop action and a lot of really fun characters. It also stars British actor Charlie Hunnam (the aforementioned Lloyd) as club Vice President Jax Teller using one of the worst American accents I’ve ever heard on TV.

It is the job of an actor to pretend to be someone they are not. Some (Daniel Day Lewis) are able to completely transform themselves into a variety of deep and dynamic characters so much so that when you watch a movie you say, “Wow, that Bill the Butcher is a real prick,” or, “Wow, that Daniel Plainview is a real prick.” Others (George Clooney) play small variations on their own personal caricature like Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs, where you’ll watch a movie and say “Wait a minute, I thought Clooney was an international thief, what is he doing flying around the country firing people?” Therefore, in this quest to be someone that they are not, it should come as no surprise that actors and actresses quite frequently adopt foreign accents for their roles.

I love the tiny little nuances in regional accents. Personally, I have a sickness I like to call “Madonna Disease” where if I spend too much time with a person or group of people with an accent I start to adopt parts of it. I find it awesome that people from Massachusetts drop their r’s one way while just 250 miles south New Yorkers drop their r’s in a slightly different way, and both are variations on different groups of British settlers dropping their r’s. It may come as no surprise that a country as large as the US has many different accents, but the tiny isle of England features dozens of accents (supposedly detectable by each British person) that can vary from town to town. In the county of Lancashire alone, Wikipedia lists 8 different accents! An accent is a badge of honor that connects you to your comrades and helps to define where you came from. That's why it can be incredibly frustrating/maddening/confusing when some pretty boy actor fucks it up so badly.

MINOR SPOILER ALERT
Season 3 of Sons of Anarchy has a large connection to Ireland; SAMCRO (Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Originals) even leaves California to go there for about 4 episodes. As I mentioned earlier, the shows main character (Hunnam’s “Jax”) is a British guy putting on an (awful) American accent, but he’s not the only fish out of water during this season. In Episode 7, Jax is trying to lead his club to Ireland to find his kidnapped son and also track down a rogue IRA lieutenant named Jimmy O. Jimmy O is played by American actor Titus Welliver (Deadwood, Lost), whose Irish accent makes Hunnam sound like he was born and raised in Northern California. On his way to the charter flight that is set to take him to Ireland, Jax is stopped by town police chief Wayne Unser, played by British actor Dayton Callie (Deadwood). A smaller plot in this episode is SAMCRO’s Chibs, who is Irish on the show but played by Scottish actor Tommy Flanagan, returning to Ireland to rescue his Irish ex-wife and daughter, played by an American actress and German actress, respectively, from Jimmy O’s control. Confused yet?

Most actors (not named George Clooney) put a ton of time and energy into their roles. Some put on or lose weight. Some follow around people with similarities to their characters for months to understand who they are. The actors on SOA seem to dive deep into the characters, coming off like real outlaws that share a strong connection to their brothers in arms. Most have adorned disheveled appearances and spend hours in a makeup chair to have tattoos added to their bodies (and head in “Juice’s” case). And with all that preparation, the character can very nearly be ruined because their native accents shine through.

Hunnam’s not the worst culprit of a bad accent I’ve ever heard (more on those in a bit). If I had never watched Undeclared, I probably wouldn’t have known for sure that he was British until I heard him say one key word: “anything”. Sadie Sloe Gin first pointed out this phenomenon to me on an episode of Arrested Development. Australian actress Portia De Rossi plays Lindsey Bluth, a character born and raised in the OC (don’t call it that). I never had one clue that Portia was anything but a red blooded American. Her accent was perfect, except for this one little word. Apparently British/Australian actors have a hard time pronouncing “anything” as we do; they say “Eh-neh-thin”. So with all that training, all that work with a dialect coach, the hard work to win a role over an actor who already speaks with an American accent, and it all goes to shit over one word.

Actors using fake accents usually fall into one of the following categories:

I’m so handsome/beautiful who gives a shit what I sound like

Hunnam in Sons of Anarchy; Jude Law in Cold Mountain and others; Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider; Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond and The Departed; Kate Beckinsale in Click; Brad Pitt in Troy (lot of dudes on this list; is it because I just can’t think of any actresses using bad fake accents or am I really into leading men?)

I’ve been around the block too long to hire an accent coach

Jack Nicholson in The Departed; Jon Voight in Annaconda; Harrison Ford in K-19: The Widdow Maker; Sean Connery in everything (“You’re the man now dog!”)

If the state of California doesn’t care what I sound like, why should you?

This category is reserved for the great Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold has been acting in movies since 1982 and has never once attempted to shed his Austrian accent. As Cracked.com points out here, it doesn’t matter if he is an American spy or a killer robot made by Americans sent back through time, he just won't even attempt to not be Arnold.

I’m such a terrible actor, what did you expect?

Keanu Reeves in Bram Stoker’s Dracula; James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues; Collin Ferrell in everything; Minnie Driver in Grosse Point Blank; Nicolas Cage in Con Air (“You should have put the bunny in the box”)

I’m not going to be able to do this accent justice so let’s butcher the hell out of it because it’ll be funny

Charlize Theron in Arrested Development; Gary Oldman in The Fifth Element and True Romance; Dennis Haysbert in Major League; Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live; Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights and Austin Powers; Pitt in Snatch (there is a subset of this group where they butcher the accent on purpose to be funny only it is horribly unfunny that we call “The Sandler/Schneider Division”)

I’m not who you think I am

Hugh Laurie in House; Kate Winslett in everything; Christian Bale in The Fighter; Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone (“Yo’ah datin a faggot”); Day Lewis in everything; Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight

So why do we put up with this use of fake accents? If you look at the above categories, there is only 1 of 6 (or 2 of 6 depending on how you look at the comedically bad accents) that is really acceptable and it contains a small list of actors. Wouldn’t it be easier if, for the most part, actors and, more importantly, casting directors didn’t cross pollinate the accents so much? Getting an audience to believe that you are someone you are not is hard enough when you are speaking in your native tongue. Adding a fake accent adds a whole new level of difficulty that I just don’t think makes sense. And if you don’t think this is truly a problem in Hollywood these days, just look at the landscape of some of the biggest roles in current or upcoming movies:

Batman: Christian Bale, British

Superman: Henry Cavill, British

Spiderman: Andrew Garfield, British

Sherlock Holmes: Robert Downey Jr., American

Wolverine: Hugh Jackman, Australian

And the big one...

Abraham Lincoln: Daniel Day Lewis, British

This is my plea to Hollywood to stop the madness.

Thank You Mike Black and Tom Blackney

Friday night there was a party in my hometown to honor Mike Black and Tom Blackney, two U.S. Marines who are about to depart to Afghanistan to fight for our country in the War on Terror. Friends and family came together to eat, drink and show our appreciation of these two brave young men. In the spirit of Mike and Tom, the night was generally light hearted save for an emotional karaoke rendition of Billy Joel’s “Goodnight Saigon” and an excellent thank you speech by Mike’s father, Joe. To close his speech, Joe said something to the effect of, “and we will see you all back here in one year to celebrate the safe return of Mike and Tommy!” which led to an eruption of cheers from the crowd. Sunday night, our country took a huge step towards ensuring that Joe’s statement would come true. I hope.

The past 10 years have been a confusing and divisive time in this country. I started college at the University of Maryland, located about 10 minutes from Washington D.C., less than one year after the 9/11 attacks. Every Wednesday at noon the campus played bomb sirens as a drill in case the nation’s capital came under attack again. I tell a story that my girlfriend hates about the day when the U.S. went to war with Iraq and every dorm room on my floor started playing Outkast’s “Bombs Over Baghdad”. I see now how terrible that was as it was the start of a misguided war that has cost a lot of American lives, but at the time it made perfect sense to me to celebrate our country bringing people we thought were our enemies to justice.

The patriotism that was so overwhelming for that first year after the attacks now seems like a distant memory. The controversial and deadly war with Iraq and the presidencies of George Bush and Barak Obama have driven a Texas sized stake through the middle of this country. Corresponding with a down economy, a landmark health care bill and ever increasing security concerns, it seems like people (me included) have set up shop on one side of every issue and have forgotten about gray areas. You are either an asshole Republican with a money driven blood lust or a pussy liberal who hates freedom. I have had conversations with people where I have had to defend the fact that I am not actually a Republican. I have heard people make ridiculous statements like, “even though they are a liberal/conservative I like them.” The statements that one political side makes about the other carry with them the same hatred as those that the terrorists make about America. We have to remember that we have real enemies in this world and that those enemies are not each other.

This Sunday, the heroic men and women of our military brought our most threatening enemy to justice. It was an historic day for this country that somewhat poetically came 66 years and 1 day after the death of Adolf Hitler. In killing Osama Bin Laden, the country took out the head and heart of a dangerous group of terrorists, but even that feels confusing to me. When I found out the news last night I threw my fist in the sky in victory and then high fived my girlfriend, but immediately asked, “Wait, is it ok to high five this?” It seems weird to me to celebrate someone’s death, even someone responsible for so many deaths himself. The truth is, we don’t really know what this will mean in our fight against terrorism. We all hope that this leads to the fall of Al Qaeda, that there will be confusion and in-fighting and the organization will lose power and its hold over a large group of people. But just as likely, a new leader will ascend or a new group will start and there will be some heavy responses to Osama’s death. All we can do at this moment is revel in the demise of a monster.

For one day we all get to come together as Americans again. We get to forget about health care, the economy, abortion, the death penalty, gas prices, Republicans, Democrats, race, sexuality and whatever else divides us for one day. We get to remember that the majority of us are decent people trying to make happy lives for ourselves and our loved ones. For one day we get to (rightly or wrongly) feel safe and secure. It’s my hope that we can continue this feeling for more than one day and all start to come back to that middle zone where life can be truly enjoyable, but I’m not optimistic. At the very least we can all be happy that a man who valued other human lives so little has finally been stripped of his. And I know that we owe it all to the resiliency of our military men and women who face criticism, loneliness, internal struggle, life and death every day.  So I want to thank Mike Black, Tom Blackney and all of our armed forces for doing their absolute all to keep my family and friends safe and congratulate you on this victory. We will see you in a year.

Baseball>Football: Part 1 of many

From Craig Calcaterra over at NBC's Circling the Bases blog.

My Spin-Off Sports Blog

Following in the footsteps of The Jeffersons, Joanie Loves Chachi, Melrose Place, Parks and Recreation, and Baywatch Nights, I am starting a spin off.

To appease the wishes (or demands) of the rest of the Sexy Burger Six, I will save my sports musings for this space.

"But X Mark," you'll surely ask, "what qualifies you to muse on sports?"

Well for those of you who only know me as a burgeoning burger magnate, my true passion is actually sports. Literally from the minute I was born I was connected to sports.

I was born on Super Bowl Sunday in 1984 when the Redskins, my father's favorite football team because the Pats were such an embarrassment back then, lost to the Raiders. It was a bittersweet day.

My first Red Sox game with my father was the day Carl Yastrzemki had his number 8 retired. That number is now tattooed on my left chest. Some people say this is crazy. Some say it is douchie. I say F U, I like it.

I also saw another Boston great, Kevin McHale have his number 32 retired. This is not tattooed on me...yet?

I have worked in Minor League Baseball for two years, worked for a sports agent, and interned for Banner 17, with my third day of work being Game 1. I also got a masters degree in Sports Management.......to become a bankruptcy paralegal.

My knowledge and love of sports goes far beyond this, but in an effort to not turn everyone off from reading this blog on the first post, I will save the rest of these details.

I will mostly write about the goings on with the Celtics and Red Sox (I had a falling out with the Pats when I fell asleep at half time of the incredibly boring first 3 quarters of the 2008 Super Bowl and I don't like hockey), but if something truly big comes up in the world of sports I will also comment on that.

So hopefully those of you who follow me on Sexy Burger and like sports will like what I do here. And if you are seeing me here for the first time, please check out SexyBurger.blogspot.com for a magical world of burger creations.