Money for Nothing (NBA Remix)

Last night, Sadie Sloe Gin told me how excited she was for the upcoming NBA season. Though my cockels were thoroughly warmed, my heart was simultaneously breaking because I fear we will have no NBA season this year. I thought I would channel that heartbreak into a song...

Friday Fun: The Worst Song Ever

Buckle up, this is gonna be a long one...

I was driving home from work the other day listening to FM radio. I used to listen to my iPod on the way home from work, but when I moved in with my beautiful girlfriend my iPod became our wePod (patent pending), so now I listen to the radio. FM radio at 5 o’clock is pretty bleak as radio stations make an all too obvious money grab with a never ending stream of commercials on 85% of the stations. So I was leaning  heavily on the “Seek” button when I came across Don McLean’s American Pie, my least favorite song of all time. I raced past this song to settle on the end of Sweet Child O’ Mine on Boston’s classic rock station (is anyone else shocked that Guns N’ Roses is now considered classic rock? Where did the time go?). The song led directly into some idiot talking so it was back to the “Seek” button. A full pass through a bunch of commercials led me back to the still playing American Pie. Good lord this song doesn’t end. Just past this song was the end of Alive by Pearl Jam, which I belted out in my best Eddie Vedder/Scott Stapp/Scott Weiland voice. Then more commercials and back to “Seek”. As I came around the dial for the third time, there it was again, American fuckin Pie.

I nearly drove my car off the road. How is this song still playing? Did some zombie bite the song and the only way we can make it stop is to cut off its head? Who is “Miss American Pie”?  Is McLean such an idiot that he is going to kill himself because a few rock legends died? Do other people hate this song as much as I do? If they don’t, why not? Is this the worst song of all time?

I decided to ruminate (somebody went to college) on the topic for a bit and ask some of my friends for help. The Queen B of the Sexy Boston Sports Empire, Sadie Sloe Gin, threw out All Summer Long by Kid Rock; a great pick, but as a semi-cover I don’t know if it qualifies. Her brother, the nameless/faceless guitarist of Sadie Sloe Gin and the Fizz, suggested I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred; another good one, but I don’t think they take themselves seriously enough to be the worst. My co-worker Emily fought valiantly for Cam’Ron’s Get ‘Em Girl; though its lyrics may be among the worst ever, it’s too generic a rap song to be in the running. Sexy Boston Sports Underground Music Editor Joe Black put his name behind Sweet Caroline because of the pink hats screaming “Oh Oh Oh” at Fenway, but I think this song used to be pretty good.

Good choices all, but not exactly what I was looking for to claim the (shit) throne as “Worst Song Ever”. This song needs to have a handful of qualities that make it worse than any other song. The first is that it should be popular. I’m sure the 6^th track off Tony Basil’s (she sang Mickey) debut album is worse than any song we talk about here, but nobody knows that song so its awfulness doesn’t resonate. The song needs to have terrible lyrics and a bad melody, but needs to be catchy enough that it sticks in your head like a prison shank. It doesn’t hurt if the singers are total douches and they absolutely have to take themselves and, more importantly, their song too seriously. Finally, when you meet people who like this song you should feel so overwhelmed by confusion, disrespect, hate and bewilderment that you have to be physically restrained from hitting them. It was clear to me that I was thinking of one song in particular: I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas. Let’s do a Dr. Jack/Bill Simmons style break down to figure out if I Gotta Feeling or American Pie is the “Worst Song Ever”.

Lyrics

Cracked.com did an awesome video breaking down why I Gotta Feeling is so terrible and focused heavily on the lyrics. The key takeaways: you can’t rhyme a word with itself; Fergie is not Jewish and should leave the Hebrew to Barbara Streisand; listing the days of the week is one step away from singing the ABC’s; how many times do you need to sing the hook before you start the song? Sum it all up, and this song is lyrically one of the worst of all time.

American Pie has some doozies of its own. He rhymes a word with itself in the second verse (“step”). He quotes a nursery rhyme, which isn’t much better than listing days of the week. He lists pop culture reference after pop culture reference like some two bit amateur sports blogger. Worst of all, he takes himself and the subject of the song so damn seriously. Of all the things you could want to kill yourself over, you are gonna choose the death of Riche Valens to send you over the edge? But really, nothing compares to “L’Chaim”. Loser: I Gotta Feeling

Length of Song

I Gotta Feeling lasts almost 5 full minutes. That is 5 minutes too long for such a horrible song. What makes this length worse, though, is the fact that BEP start singing the chorus 30 seconds into the song and don’t stop until a full minute later. It’ll make you say, “geez, this has been going on for like an hour!”

As I said before, American Pie is the song that just won’t die. It has 6 verses and 7 choruses. This piece of junk lasts for 8 and a half minutes. A rule for every song should be that if the average male can’t make love longer than your song lasts, it is far too long. This song goes on for 3 solid sessions. Loser: American Pie

"Artist"

I use the term “artist” very loosely here. BEP used to be a solid hip hop group that nobody knew. Then they added Fergie and things went to hell. The band became more concerned with having their songs played at weddings and NBA halftime shows than with writing interesting lyrics with good beats. Will.I.Am apparently swallowed Johnny Five whole and now has a robot voice. Fergie sees fit to scream all her lyrics like a bleating pig. I would be shocked to find out that they put more time into writing one of their songs than they put into trying to make Fergie look like a woman.

American Pie is considered a great song by many because of its lyrics, which I find stupid and pretentious all at once. This may make McLean seem like an artist, but I tend to disagree. He follows a fairly simple rhyme scheme throughout the song with a lot of senseless imagery that tricks people into thinking he wrote a good song. Plus, reading the Wikipedia page dedicated to this song reveals a fraud and a douche. “When asked what ‘American Pie’ meant, McLean replied, ‘It means I never have to work again.’” You are a real credit to your craft Mr. McLean. Both are huge sellouts, but…Loser: I Gotta Feeling

Image

Whether we like it or not, image is a big part of music. BEP features a tranny, a black robot, some other guy and Chris Bosh’s alien half brother. They like to wear battery powered clothing and plastic helmets. On the other hand, they are all pretty awesome dancers and Fergie is the Land O Lakes of butter faces (that’s the top butter brand, right?), so they are doing a couple things right.

Don McLean looks like your high school social studies teacher that thinks he is way cooler than he really is. I know music is supposed to be about, you know, the music, but count me among the superficial pricks who wasn’t entirely  unhappy when video killed the radio star. McLean is undoubtedly a radio star and watching him strum his guitar with his shaggy hair and 5’7” frame leaves me feeling like I’m watching the third runner up at a Knights of Columbus talent show rather than a real rock star. Loser: American Pie

Cover song

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but when you imitate crap you are sincerely an a-hole. I Gotta Feeling only came out in 2009 so it has yet to find a home in the land of covers. The CGI Chipmunks and Chippettes did a version of this in their squeaquel, but my guess is a bunch of accelerated recorded voices don’t sound much different than Robot.I.Am and Squealie.

There really is no contest in this competition though. In 2000, Madonna released an abbreviated pop dance cover of American Pie on the soundtrack of her movie The Next Best Thing, a rom com starring her and Rupert Everett. Read that last sentence again. Not only was the song terrible, but this British skank made a video where she dressed like a Halloween cow girl and flashed her ass crack at the stars and stripes. And even though I hate the song, how insulting is it to have a British girl covering this piece of Americana? That’s like having some Irish pop band play a tribute concert on America’s biggest stage, the Super Bowl, to honor the victims of 9/11. Wait, what? She’s not British? And U2 did exactly that concert? Oh. Still a horrible horrible cover. Loser: American Pie

Appearances in Our Culture

I Gotta Feeling is literally everywhere. As annoying as they are, the BEP was smart enough to come out with a song that could be used on all occasions. Sporting events. Weddings. Heading to the club. Graduation. Award shows. Watching The Bachelorette with your three sister wives. Its omnipresence is only exceeded by its sucktitude and I fear we may never escape its clutches.

American Pie should actually almost receive a bonus point for one of its appearances in pop culture. In The Office episode “Chair Model” Michael falls in love with a model in a catalog and wants to date her. Dwight tracks the girl down only to find out she was killed in a car crash. The episode ends with Michael and Dwight visiting the girl’s grave, and as they stand solemnly over it, Michael breaks into song. “Bye, bye miss chair model lady, I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice…” Cut to the next scene and Michael and Dwight are rocking out hard singing the rest of American Pie (and stumbling through the endless words). A great part about this is that the scene starts in full daylight, but by the time they realize they don’t know the words and just cut to the finish (“This’ll be the day that I dieeee”), it is pitch black, thus capturing the mind numbing length of the song. Looking past the fact that I hate the song, this was one of the best moments in the history of that show. Loser: I Gotta Feeling

Offended Parties

Both these songs are offensive to all of us in the ear region, but each song also picks on a very large, very vocal cross section of our society. The BEP very blatantly offend the Jewish people in their song. The group shouts both “Mazel tov” and “L’Chaim” in the middle of the song. They use Mazel tov after saying “Fill up my cup”, which seems to me like they are using it to say thank you, when it is actually a congratulatory term. Then later, after saying “Mazel tov” improperly again, they say “L’Chaim” (to life), which is I guess appropriate, but come on. “Fergie” stands for Ferguson, her real last name, which means she’s probably an Irish Catholic. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess Will.I.Am and Apple De App are not Jewish. And Chris Bosh’s alien half brother is most likely one of the beings that have been living on our planet for centuries that L. Ron Hubbard wrote about, so he’s probably a scientologist.

American Pie manages to offend a much larger and more diverse group: any musician who released anything after February 3^rd, 1959. The famous line from this song is, “the day the music died”. This is a reference to the day when a plane crashed carrying Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and J.P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson, which led to their deaths. Holly was a great rock and roll pioneer and produced some great songs, but to say his death was also the death of music? That would be like saying baseball died when Babe Ruth died; it doesn’t make any sense. I’m guessing the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, Phil Collins and Sadie Sloe Gin have something to say about this. Still, the Jewish people have been persecuted for millennia, they don’t deserve to have this auto tune abomination defecating on their language. Loser: I Gotta Feeling

Alright, this has gone on longer than American Pie. It’s time to tally up the categories and see which will be crowned as the “Worst Song Ever”.

I Gotta Feeling: Worst lyrics, Least artistic, Most inescapable in our lives, Most offensive

American Pie: Longest song, Worst image, Spawned the worst cover sogn

Wow! Even with my own biases in play, I Gotta Feeling takes the crown, 4-3! As much as I hate American Pie I really can’t argue with the results. There is literally not one redeeming aspect to I Gotta Feeling. The fact that so many people get amped up when the song plays absolutely blows my mind. It carries none of the goofiness of bad one hit wonders that make them endearing. It’s blatantly offensive. It could have been written by the manatees that write Family Guy episodes. It’s sung by a robot and a howling pig. After this in depth look, I have no doubt in my mind that I Gotta Feeling is truly the worst song ever. The day of its release was the actual day the music died.

Oh baby Youk

This is what happens when you play until 2 in the morning on a Wednesday night at Fenway (hat tip to Aaron Gleeman at NBC Sports).

What Will We Do With A Broken Pitcher?

What will we do with a broken pitcher?

What will we do with a broken pitcher?

What will we do with a broken pitcher?

The day after a blowout!

Way back and out the balls go

Dice starts my Dad says “Oh no”

I miss Hideo Nomo

The day after a blowout!

Maybe we release him to the masses

Because his pitching no longer passes

Other teams will keep kicking our asses

Whenever Dice K pitches            

Way back and out the balls go

Dice starts my Dad says “Oh no”

I miss Hideo Nomo

The day after a blowout!

10 million this year 10 million next year

People in the Monster seats tremble in fear

The Sox should lower the prices of beer

Whenever Dice K pitches

Way back and out the balls go

Dice starts my Dad says “Oh no”

I miss Hideo Nomo

The day after a blowout!

Sox can’t even send him to the minors

Or send him home on an ocean liner

Cry myself to sleep in my recliner

Whenever Dice K pitches

Way back and out the balls go

Dice starts my Dad says “Oh no”

I miss Hideo Nomo

The day after a blowout!

Probably going to be stuck with him

Making our chances for contention grim

At least he’s better than B-yun Hung Kim

Whenever Dice K pitches

Way back and out the balls go

Dice starts my Dad says “Oh no”

I miss Hideo Nomo

The day after a blowout!

That’s what we do with a broken pitcher

That’s what we do with a broken pitcher

That’s what we do with a broken pitcher

The day after a blowout!

And I Know, A Change is Gonna Come

Sam Cooke A change is gonna come
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Since my last post over at SexyBurger.com was dedicated to changes, I figured, for continuity sake, to write a sports blog about changes, and turned to my very soulful friend, Sam Cooke, to kick things off for me.

Now I had my angle, all I needed was a subject matter. What in Boston sports could possibly need changing?

Quite obviously it's my beloved Celtics. For weeks I tried not to panic. I stayed positive through Rasheeds 29% shooting on threes (including this 0-8 performance in a loss to Orlando in November). I stayed positive through going 0-3 against Atlanta in our first 3 meetings this year. I stayed positive through 3, count em, 3 3-game losing streaks in the span of a month. I even stayed positive after a that 96-94 loss to Orlando when KG gave up that game winning drive to Rashard Lewis and KG and Paul looked like Walter Mathau and Jack Lemon all game.

I can stay positive no more. At this juncture, headed into a much needed All-Star break (although the guys who need the rest the most, KG and Paul, are actually playing in the game) my team is a mess. 1-7 against Orlando and Atlanta. Consistently blowing double digit second half leads. A loss to Nawlins, playing without the best point guard in the league. A very pedestrian 15-9 at home, a far cry from the glory days of dominating the Garden. The worst turnover rate in the league. And I'm afraid to say it my friends, but Rasheed is still here, and he ain't goin anywhere for another two years.

It's time to re-evaluate things. It's time to make a deal. It's time to trade Ray.

Ray Allen has been a phenomenal player his entire career. Banner 17 probably cemented his place in the Hall of Fame. He will one day pass d-bag Reggie Miller as the all time 3 point shooter. He was a huge part of our championship season. By all accounts he is a great guy, a great teammate, and a great father. He played Jesus Shuttlesworth for Christ's sake.

But I've never been a Ray guy and every day it becomes more and more evident that he is not an elite player or even really a starter on a championship team.

Here's a little annecdote: Back when I worked for the Sarasota Reds in 2007 there were two very large transactions swung in fairly close proximity. The first was the trade for Ray Allen on draft night (I was working a game the night of the draft lottery and the night of the draft and almost cried on the field when we lost the lottery and traded for a 32 year old shooting guard). The second was Orlando's signing of Rashard Lewis for something like $120 Million over 6 years.

I was at the time, and still am, one of the biggest Celtics fans in the world. My old boss, the esteemed Jeff Maultsby, was and I assume still is, one of the biggest Magic fans in the world. We took solace in our respective teams horrible mismanagement. 32 year old shooting guards tend to fall off a cliff (turns out in Rays case it is 34 year old shooting guards). Signing anyone, let alone a non-superstar, to a $120 Million contract is suicide. We were both ready to renounce basketball altogether because it looked like neither of our teams would reach the top of the basketball world ever again...

I guess that's why we both worked in baseball. Clearly both moves worked out in the short term.

But, long term? Ray is toast. Rashard got suspended for steroids (see it's not just baseball!) and has not thrived in Orlando's reshaped roster this year. So maybe Jeff and I were just a little bit right.

There is hope however, and it's not named Rajon or Kendrick. It's named expiring contract.

For those of you not versed in NBA economics, there is no real quick explanation for what an expiring contract is, why it's so valuable, and how NBA trades work. If you'd like to learn more go to this link. But basically, Ray Allen's big contract is over after this year (expires) and it is huge. Which means that if another team that is closer to the salary cap line (the Celtics are way over meaning Ray's expiring contract won't get them under the cap next year to make a run at the ridiculous crop of 2010 free agents) acquires Ray this year and gives us back longer term contracts, they can get under or further under the cap line next year. So the Celtics can look to trade Ray, who is making $19.7M this year, for another $20M worth in contracts.

Thanks to ESPN's fantastic trade machine, we can actually play around and see what deals work. I personally believe there is one trade they should make that would fix a lot of our issues, which I will give you first, but there are others. (click on the links of the trades to see how the trade works out and to click on any players name to see who they are if you don't know them)

1. Ray Allen to Sacramento; Kevin Martin and Andres Nocioni to Boston: This gives us a younger more athletic shooting guard who would become part of the new core along with Rondo and Perk when they officially take over the team. Nocioni would bring some toughness to the bench and may even be able to serve as a back up 4 so we can run some small ball lineups that we did during the championship runs. Only problem here is that Nocioni's contract is awful. But Kevin Martin is really really good.
2. Ray Allen and Eddie House to the Knicks; Al Harrington, Jared Jeffries, and Nate Robinson to Boston: This would probably wreak havoc on the chemistry, although at the moment it seems fairly tenuous as is. But Al Harrington would give us a legit 6th man, instead of Sheed's walking corpse. Jared Jeffries would give us a versatile defender who can guard 4 positions. And Nasty Nate would give us instant offense off the bench in far more versatile ways than 22-foot-jump-shot-Eddie. Plus it would move either Tony Allen or Marquis Daniels to the starting 2, where I think they would both play better being the 5th option, rather than the 2nd option off the bench. Of course this would help the Knicks get LeBron and another top free agent next year and I really don't want to help them.
3. Ray Allen and Tony Allen to Golden State; Monta Ellis, Corey Maggette, and Anthony Randolph to Boston: This is the most interesting trade I could possibly imagine. All three GS players are ridiculously talented. Ellis scores at will. Maggette is like a young Paul Pierce when he wants to be and gets to the line at ease. And Anthony Randolph right now looks like Bambi at times, but has the upside of Kevin Garnett. No bull shit, he's that good and athletic. But they don't exactly fit here. To them, defense is a matter of foreign policy. Assists are what old women need to cross the street. But boy would it be fun to watch Rondo throwing lob passes to Randolph for the next 10 years. For me, that is really the linchpin of the trade. I'd put up with the bad defense and bad contracts of Ellis and Maggette just to watch Rondo and Randolph channel their inner Payton and Kemp.
4. Ray Allen, Brian Scalabrine and J.R. Giddens to Philly; Andre Iguodala and Sam Dalembert to Boston OR Ray Allen, Brian Scalabrine and Sheed to Philly; Andre Iguodala and Elton Brand to Boston: This one is fairly unlikely, but Philly really would love to get rid of Dalembert and Brand. I think both could be useful as the first big man off the bench (granted at very high salaries it is not very efficient) and obviously I would rather have Brand because that means getting rid of Rasheed. But the real reason to make this move is for Iguodala. Paid like a superstar, he is really in the next tier below. You would not want him as the first option on your team if you are trying to win a championship. But as the second banana on offense and covering the best wing player on defense, he would make the aging Celtics a true force. This is the player I want the most, but I don't see this trade happening as Philly is said to want more than just cap relief for Iggy.
5. Ray Allen to Utah; Andre Kirilenko and Ronnie Brewer to Boston: Utah does this purely to shed salary, although it would help their offense a lot if Ray can regain his shooting touch at all. We would gain a starting 2 guard whose offense has slipped a lot this year, but who plays absolute lock down defense in Ronnie Brewer. And we would get a monster of a 6th man who could start at 3 or 4 when Paul or KG can't. AK47 (best nickname in the league and thankfully not a retired Celtics number) can do a little bit of everything and this season has really returned to the form that made him such a fantasy stud a few years ago. He is a constant threat for 16 points, 9 rebounds, 6 assists, 3 steals, and 3 blocks. Off the bench that is ridiculous. This trade does not help our offense enough though and both players have trouble in complicated systems so unelss Ainge is ok with just getting even more suffocating on D and losing a step on O, I don't think he does this.

So there are 5 options (and there are others but this is getting long) that would make our team younger, more dynamic, and a hell of a lot more fun to watch. In most cases the offense improves. In most cases we get some younger pieces that are locked into deals that will become a part of a new core once the current Big 3 is done (which appears to be sooner and sooner every day). Scenario 1 is the most likely and makes the most sense for both sides. Scenario 4 B is my dream. Scenario 3 would be scary, fun, and sexy. At the end of the day though, I wouldn't expect any of these to actually happen.

It is sad to have to get rid of a guy like Ray who contributed so much to Banner 17 and is such a great guy. But it is even sadder to go through 10 years of mediocrity when a little pro-activity could have prevented such a tumble. Unfortunately, it seems like Danny Ainge will stand pat, make a rather pointless trade like Glen Davis for D.J. Augustin (why do we need a back-up point guard when rondo should play 40 minutes a night?), and we will continue our tumble down the Eastern Conference standings, possibly playing our way right out of the first round, head into next year with no cap space even with $30+M coming off the books, have KG and Paul age another year with their own monster contracts, watch the awkward transition of Rondo and Perk trying to take over the team, be stuck in shitty draft pick land for the next 3 years, and wonder where it all went wrong?

Damn, what happened to being positive?

All I Want for Christmas is Truth

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about Glen Davis
It's just Paul Pierce's knee
I just want him to get well
If he doesn't then I'll be in hell
Paul don't make me blue
Baby all I want for Christmas is Truuuuuuuth

We play Orlando this Christmas
It will be without PP
I'd do anything for him to feel
Better you must believe me

Dwight will surely be blocking
Every one of Tony's shots
Santa Claus won't make me happy
Having to watch ol' TA

I just want to win one more
Title with our special core
Make my dreams come true
Baby all I want for Christmas............
Issssssssssssssssss
Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 Years

We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my head hurts a lot
We've got five years, that's all we got

Who knew David Bowie was singing about John Lackey all those years ago.

When reports surfaced yesterday that Big John was in town for a physical, I have to say I was blindsided. Sure, talks had broken down with Bay so a Plan B was in order and there were reports (which I thought was bogus) earlier in the offseason of the Sox interest in the righty. But come on, this just isn't a a move Theo makes.

5 years for a pitcher is a scary situation. Especially a 31 year old pitcher. Especially a pitcher with arm injuries the last two years. Especially a pitcher with a declining strikeout rate. Especially a pitcher who although has been the nominal ace of the Angels for the last 5 or 6 years is not really among the top echelon in baseball, ranking 26th in FIP (a statistic similar to ERA that measures a pitcher's value based on what he has the most control of: Ks, BBs, and HRs) in 2009. (Here is a much more negative look on the move which I mostly agree with, but watch out it is very stat heavy)

But I like what the move means to the team overall. Ya, 5 years is one or two years too many. I mean shit, in 5 years I will be 31, a full blown adult. And Lackey will probably at best be an average pitcher, and $16.5M is too much for just an average pitcher.

But the Red Sox can afford to overpay for some players as long as they fit a plan. And with the Mike Cameron signing (comments on this tomorrow) the plan has clearly shifted. We aren't the big mashers of the Manny Ortez heyday (but still ranked as the 3rd best offense in the AL last year). We are a pitching and defense team, fronted by a scary Top 3 of Beckett/Lester/Lackey with 4 and 5 starters who could be a 2 or 3 for most other teams, including the Yankees. This monster of a pitching staff is supported by what could be an all-time great defensive team. Keep in mind this team was second in the AL in run prevention last year by a mere 4 runs. Look out mf'ers.

Ch ch ch ch changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time (I don't know if these last two lines fit my argument, but I like to use bookends)