The Mavs are NBA Champions

Here are my scattered thoughts on the NBA Finals. I am going to attempt to go longer than any other writer before mentioning the losing team. Shouldn't be too hard...

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks for winning their first ever NBA title. The team has only been around since 1980, but they suffered through some really terrible years before acquiring Dirk Nowitzki in the 1998 draft (one pick ahead of Paul Pierce). Since then, they have won 50 games every year for 11 years, lost the 2006 NBA Finals and the following year became just the third number 1 seed to lose to a number 8 seed (Golden State). This is the culmination of a lot of roster tweaks around one of the best players of all time…

Speaking of the German, he has never been one of my favorites, probably because I have a hard time enjoying the way most European’s play the game. But he kicked some serious ass in this series and it is good to see him win one. Maybe I never watched enough of him, but seeing his arms extend 20 feet into the sky over the defender to shoot a rainbow jump shot is one of the finest things I’ve seen on an NBA court since Mariah Carey put on a Michael Jordan jersey dress for her half time performance at the 2003 NBA All Star Game. In the span of 2 months, Dirk has solidified himself as the best Euro player of all time, shed the “soft” label, distanced himself from Karl Malone and Charles Barkley, become the most relevant German-in-America since Kissinger and fueled the flames of a ridiculous argument that he is now Larry Bird’s equal…

I don’t want to bring the negativity while I’m trying to celebrate the Mavs’ win, but the Bird-Nowitzki comparisons need to stop. They are both tall, blonde, gangly and have beautiful jumpers, but Bird’s overall game is way more impressive than Dirk’s. And as Jason Segel reminds us in the trailer for Bad Teacher (which, even though it stars Cameron Diaz, looks kind of funny if you watch the Red Band trailer), the only argument here is 3 to 1…

Dirk may have won finals MVP, but he had a ton of help. Jason Terry was a tiny black Bill Walton in this series, providing a massive boost for the team off the bench. He is their second best scorer and single handedly kept the offense in the game in the first half while Dirk was shooting 1-12. He also knows how to say the word “strength” (not “strenf”) as Sexy Boston Sports Linguistics Expert Sadie Sloe Gin pointed out…

Sadie also noticed Tyson Chandler giving some woman (his mother? his wife?) a big hug during the post game celebration, saying the lady must be thinking “I’m gonna be rich!” Little did Sadie know that Chandler is a free agent this offseason, dominated the playoffs,  gave a new identity to Dallas’ defense and plays for an owner that has given out massive contracts to the likes of Raef LaFrentz, Erik Dampier and Brendan Haywood. Chandler and all of his women are going to be very rich indeed…

Speaking of the owner, as SportsGuy33 (Bill Simmons) pointed out on Twitter, it was very disappointing to see David Stern hand the Larry O’Brien trophy to the founder of the Mavericks instead of to Mark Cuban. I wonder if the two have some kind of verbal restraining order that prohibits either of them from communicating to the other in public…

The moment was not without unintentional comedy, thankfully. As David Stern handed the trophy to Mavs founder Don Carter, he congratulated “Don and his wife Linda Jo”, who was nowhere to be seen. Then, like Bruce Springsteen pulling Courtney Cox to stardom in his Dancing In the Dark video, Carter yanked Linda Jo through the sea of giants on the platform to join him for this historical moment. I’m also not entirely sure she didn’t think she WAS Courtney Cox at this moment…

It’s usually fun to see a great player win his first championship at 38 years old, but Jason Kidd is still a wife beater so I’m going to go out on a limb and say we shouldn’t celebrate him…

Brian Cardinal stepped up with some solid defensive plays and toughness last night that gave the Mavs a little emotional bump. Cardinal takes his rightful place alongside Brian Scalabrine, Mark Madsen, Jack Haley, Jud Buechler, Matt Bullard, Kurt Rambis and M.L. Carr (honorary member) as members of the With Hustle and Inspiration Teams Excel (W.H.I.T.E.) club…

Your last two Finals MVP (Dirk, Kobe Bryant) shot a combined 15-51 in the clinching game…

A big thanks to Mike Breen for really capturing the moment of one of the NBA’s greatest players winning his first championship and also the first championship for his franchise. Wait, what? He didn’t capture it at all? Instead of using his outside voice, he culminated the victory with all the excitement of Dwight Schrute’s birthday banner for Kelly Kapur (“It’s your birthday.”). And it’s not like using subdued calls for big moments is Breen’s thing. In this video at the 5 minute mark (WARNING: It’s last year’s Lakers’ win), you can hear Breen excitedly yelling about the pass ahead to Gasol and the Lakers winning back to back championships. The finish wasn’t as tense this year, but the moment was just as big. Shame on you Mike for not treating it as such… 

Of course the Miami Heat (13^th paragraph before a mention! That’s definitely a record this year!) did everything they could to sap the excitement from the moment. After going the last two minutes of the game without fouling (more on this in a minute) despite an 8-11 point deficit, Chris Bosh fouled Jason Kidd, down 11, with 18 seconds left. After a Nowitzki layup 10 seconds prior, the Heat turned the ball over and Kidd grabbed it looking to dribble out the clock. With security scurrying around the court to secure the perimeter and the Dallas bench spilling onto the floor, this looked like it would be Kidd’s chance to do a victory lap in the heat of the moment of his first championship. Then the alien predator threw his tentacles around the point guard and the momentum faded. To add insult to injury, Coach Valderamma called a 20 second time out after the foul shots, again pouring sand on the flames of victory. What could he have possibly been discussing in that 20 seconds? Reminding LeBron and Bosh that they should hold off on crying until the locker room cameras can get a good focus on them so they look like they really cared? Saying his final farewell before Pat Riley fired him on the way back to the locker room? Maybe he was waiting for the last of the front runner Miami fans to finish their getaways that started with a full 2 minutes left. Either way, poor form on the Heat…

For the second year in a row, a LeBron James team gave up at the end of a game within reach. Just like in Game 6 of the Cleveland-Boston series last year, the LeBron team inexplicably failed to foul or play offense with a sense of urgency. Last year, LeBron’s “excuse” was that he had one foot out the door and was trying to grease the skids for his exit from Cleveland. This year? Who the f knows. This guy has lost all credibility despite his considerable talents. There is such a thing as shrinking from the moment, but LeBron in this series was like a penis in a bucket of ice water…

On a larger scale, this was a great Finals matchup that proved very popular with viewers. Hopefully it reminds the owners and players just how far the league has come and how strong a product the league presents every night the Timberwolves aren’t playing. As Simmons reminds us on his new site, Grantland.com, the league is staring down the barrel of a lockout. With more great talent than ever, strong teams in top markets (LA, Boston, NY, Miami, Chicago), a huge international presence and big personalities including legitimate villains, the league absolutely has to continue riding this wave of popularity. If we lose part of the season next year, there is a good chance that hockey, the sport that can’t even get its championship on network television, will surpass the NBA. Figure it out fellas and long live the NBA!

Support Our Mavericks

Raise your hand if you want the Miami Heat to win the NBA Championship. Unless I suddenly have some readers who are “lifelong” Heat fans that treat every game like P Diddy’s birthday party and wouldn’t know an outlet pass from an outlet store, I’m guessing none of you raised your hand. With my beloved Celtics out of the hunt and a couple other sentimental favorites (Thunder, Grizzlies) also on the sidelines, this year’s Finals is all about rooting against the new villains of the NBA. Since I’ve already been over why the Heat are so hateable (LeBron is a quitter, Bosh is an alien AND a predator), I think we should look at the other team (now down 0-1) in the series, the Dallas Mavericks. We are all already rooting against the Heat, so why not throw on a blue jersey and blonde wig and hop on the Maverick bandwagon? What follows is a walk through the Mavs team to give you all some reasons to cheer.

Mark Cuban: Papa Maverick can be a little annoying, sure, but he has lived the life every guy in their 20s and 30s dreams of. Who of us out there hasn’t tried to figure out a way to start a business that we can sell off for millions or even billions of dollars then take that money and buy a sports team, star in crappy TV shows, appear at WWE events, date models, and feud with the head of the Jewish Mafia (David Stern)? Sexy Boston Sports’ Entrepreneurial Mind Joe Black comes to me with a hot new business idea almost weekly so we can  follow this exact path. Cuban is a man we should all look up to.

Rick Carlisle: Carlisle looks exactly like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. In that fictitious world, Truman’s TV show was the most watched program of all time, so we can assume Truman would be just as popular in our world. So whenever you see Carlisle on the sidelines, just remember how endearing he was in that scene when Truman drew the spaceman helmet on the mirror with a bar of soap. Wouldn’t you rather root for the coach that looks like the star of Dumb and Dumber than the coach that looks like the star of Yo Mama? Also, used to play for the Celtics and attended Worcester Academy.

Jason Kidd: If you can get past that domestic abuse charge (I don’t blame you if you can’t), you find one of the all time great point guards getting probably his last shot at his first NBA title. It’s actually pretty incredible that on a team with so many veterans, not a single one has ever won a pro championship. Kidd is one of the best passers the league has ever seen and he combined that ability with his great size and strength to be a triple double machine. Guards usually break down in their early 30s, but Kidd has admirably remade himself into a strong defender and deadly spot up 3 point shooter allowing him to fight father time. And, in case you forgot, his son used to look like the adorable alien baby in Men In Black that throws up on Will Smith. Awwww.

DeShawn Stevenson: Stevenson is kind of a thug and a pretty low impact player by NBA standards. But somehow this journeyman has found a way under LeBron’s freshly bitten fingernails. A couple years ago, while Stevenson was with the Wizards and LeBron was with the Cavs, he called the “King” overrated. Most dominant athletes that know how to act like men would chuckle at a player of Stevenson’s caliber saying something like this and would set their minds to destroying them the next time they shared the court. But since LeBron is a (scary) man baby, the feud escalated all the way to the top. That’s right, Jay-Z rapped about the feud in Blow the Whistle. Any man who averages 7.7 points a game in his career that can make it into a Jay-Z song deserves to be applauded.

Peja Stojakovic: Peja looks like one of those foreign guys from movies that married middle aged women watch that hooks up with the married middle aged woman character while her husband is working late yet again so he can make enough money to buy those bottles of anti-aging ointment made out of baby lion tears that she finds so necessary to attract young foreign guys. Normally this would be a man to be hated, but this type of actor can also play the role of foreign liaison for American mercenaries sent to destroy the mysterious alien-predator (Chris Bosh) roaming the South American rain forest so we will imagine him as such.

Jason Terry: There is a lot to like about Terry. He is a classic sixth man, a role the Celtics desperately need. Terry is the Mavs second best offensive player and provides instant offense when he checks into the game. He is one of two Mavs with a good nickname (JET), though he gets deducted a couple points because those are his initials and because the nickname was already used for Kenny Smith amongst others. He has a tiny little peanut head that he wraps with a sweat band that is just a joy to watch zoom around the court. And according to JockBio.com, he used to sleep in his uniform the night before his college games and he has a tattoo of Underdog.

Tyson Chandler: Bod-bod-bod-body blow! Because if anyone can make Wade and James think twice about barreling into the lane it is this guy.

JJ Barea: Barea dates this woman. She is Zuleyka Rivera, Miss Universe 2006. As former ruler of the Universe, she maintains a vested interest in the affairs of the Universe, using her former status for diplomatic efforts much like Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. A world championship for her boyfriend could go a long way in influencing the Universal Council to banish Chris Bosh back to his home land on Planet LV-426.

Shawn Marion: Marion has the other cool nickname on the team, The Matrix (ironically, given to him by Kenny “The Jet” Smith). Marion found the nickname so cool, he got it tattooed on his leg. In Chinese. Only problem is, the characters don’t translate to “The Matrix”. According to Basketbawful.com, Marion’s tattoo approximately means “Demon Bird Mothballs”. So why is this little bit of American ignorance so cheer-worthy? Because who doesn’t have a friend (Rob Boucini) that got a Chinese character tattoo that was supposed to mean something cool or deep only to find out later it didn’t actually mean that at all? Marion is just our little buddy who made one of two mistakes (the other is contracting herpes) that last a lifetime.

Dirk Nowitzki: Finally, we reach the heart of the team. For some reason, Germans have gotten a bad rap over the last century. While everyone spent that time being angry at the entire population, Germany spit out some loveable figures that just seem happy to be alive. Augustus Gloop was a chubby little cherub who  had an infatuation for chocolate. David Hasselhoff is a silky voiced German-American Adonis who just wants to share his songs with the world and save lives. Dieter was an affable asexual that got happy as a little girl when given the opportunity to dance for his audience. And Dirk Nowitzki is a mountain of a golden haired man who makes baskets anywhere he wants on the floor better than most players in NBA history. You could almost say he was… superior? In his quest to put the cherry on top of his bavarian creme pie of an NBA career, I encourage all my faithful readers to march behind Nowitzki as he attempts to take over Miami once and for all. Die Hitze schlagen! (Beat the Heat!)

Festivus in May

Usually when something bad happens in Boston sports, after my allergies stop making my eyes water, I try to be the voice of reason for my crazed friends and family. But after losing two Game 7s in a row, one to our hated rivals in the Finals, and then losing Games 4 and 5 the way we did to this collection of reprehensible a-holes, I need to air my grievances. So in the spirit of Christmas in July, this is Festivus in May. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people…

Paul Pierce. Why couldn’t you act more like the Captain? I had to get the toughest grievance out of the way first because Pierce is still my favorite player of all time. The dirty little secret of the Celtics of the last 4 years is that despite having the mythical “veteran presence” in Pierce, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett, the team has not had a true leader since Sam Cassell, P.J. Brown and James Posey left. Pierce has grown up before our eyes and is no longer the brooding child he used to be, but I think he falls well short of being a true leader. Game 1 he gets a bone head technical to intimidate James Jones leaving him open to earn that second one and get booted from the game. Game 5 he and Rondo were running up court together and Rondo passed Pierce the ball to have him bring it up only to have Pierce throw it right back to him while making my trademark “are you a complete idiot?” face. This reminded me of how Pierce and the other veterans were freezing out Rondo and Perkins the last couple years because they were emerging talents and wouldn’t fall in line. Game 4 with the final possession, while it was not entirely Pierce’s fault, it was a clear reminder of Pierce’s tendency to go into hero mode at the end of the game, eschewing what has worked all game in order to get his. I’ll always love you Paul, but this series with Rondo hurt the team needed a leader and you failed to provide that.

Doc Rivers. Why couldn’t you figure out how to work with the new guys? I already touched on this so I’ll make it brief. You had 2 months of regular season play to figure out how to fit Jeff Green, Nenad Kristic and all the guys returning from injury into this team and you failed. Playing Green at the 2 and having him guard Wade last night was the last in a long line of terrible lineups you played this series. You say you are leaning heavily towards returning, but is that really best for this team? Maybe you are hoping we have a terrible year next year and we can draft your son in the first round the following year. You know, because that worked out so well for the Dunleavys.

Ray Allen. Why do you have to look the same as you did when you were 24? I’m 27 and I don’t look the same as I did when I was 24. Not only is this completely depressing, but it also makes people forget that you are an old shooting guard and that we can’t count on you to score 20 a night while also defending the best player on the Heat. Start drinking some Bud Heavy’s or something and look a little more like a 36 year old so we stop getting tricked.

Kevin Garnett. Why don’t you play down low for the whole game? You are 7 feet tall.  I know you can hit a perimeter jumper, but why, knowing full well that you dominate down low, do you not set up shop on the block every time down the court? I’m scared of that weird predator looking mother f***** they've got guarding you too, but you are better than him. Cover your body in mud if you have to so he can't see your body heat, but get your ass down low.

Rajon Rondo. Why can’t you just develop a jumper? After getting hurt in Game 3 I can’t really be upset with the way you played in the subsequent games, but in the first 2 games you were terrible. When the league figures you out, great players evolve. Take some Charles Darwin pills, grow some legs and crawl out of the primordial ooze. With a jump shot.

Jermaine and Shaquille O’Neal. Why were you each half of a good starting center this year? You were brought in to be part of a 3 headed monster at center once Perkins returned from injury and then last night I’m staring at the screen watching KG at center and Pierce at power forward. You each had your moments this year, but it was unfortunately these moments that led to Danny Ainge trading Perk thinking we could rely on you. Why couldn’t we just combine your two chubby bodies to form a super center like Station from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey?

Glenn Davis. Why are you here? You aren’t even worthy of my grieving.

Tom Thibodeau. Why you gotta be so selfish? This team was built on the defense that you taught and then you just left us for your own pursuits. Yes, the team was still great on defense this year, but it was because of the Core Four. The new guys definitely did not buy into the system the way the players the last three years did. The overall numbers were good, but slow rotations from new players left gaping holes in the defense on key possessions that ended up crippling this team. So now you are in your fancy new job, coaching the best team in the league and you have a good shot at going to the Finals. It’s just always gotta be about you, doesn’t it?

John Lackey. Why are you in my life? On a night where my favorite team suffers a heart breaking end of the season loss for the third year in a row, you still have to pop into my mind. In 7 starts you have given up at least 6 runs 4 times! Your ERA is above 8! At least you feel about yourself the way we all feel about you right now.

The Miami Heat. Why does your logo look like a nut sack? That comes courtesy of The Spot.

Chris “Alien Predator” Bosh. Why did you have to explode through Executive Officer Kane’s stomach and wreak havoc on the Nostromo? Why did you have to crash land in Guatemala and kill Carl Weathers? Why did you have to make a bunch of shitty sequels culminating in Alien Vs. Predator which should have been called Bosh Vs. Bosh? Why won’t you just die already?

Pat Riley. Why did you have to bring this unholy trinity together? Looking to follow the Celtics model, you inadvertently created a new landscape where star players feel the need to unite with 2 other stars in their primes if they hope to have any shot at a championship. The problem with this is that this model only works when you can either surround the players with complementary pieces (Celtics in '07) or if you have 2 of the best 5 players in the league among that group that can cover up for all the team’s glaring deficiencies (Heat now). With no due respect to Bosh, the Heat are nothing beyond Lebron and Wade, but they are so good that it clearly doesn’t matter. In bringing those 3 together though, other teams and players think they can replicate what they have in Miami, but I promise you they can’t. Amare and Carmelo in New York will not work. Deron Williams may be able to attract Dwight Howard to Brooklyn, but they won’t get a third star and the team is so depleted beyond them it won’t matter. The Heat are also distracting people from the beautiful collection of talent in Oklahoma City and Memphis, the one star surrounded by a great supporting cast in Dallas, and the defensive monster with one star in Chicago. There are a thousand ways to construct a roster in the NBA, but Pat Riley has created a copy cat environment that will make the league worse off.

Dwyane Wade. Why did you have to sell your soul to the devil? Until this year you were one of the most likeable players in the league. You drove the lane and went to the floor like Allen Iverson. You played defense like Gary Payton. You scored in bunches like Vinnie Johnson. You made humorous commercials with my favorite non-Celtic Charles Barkley. You owned your city and had already won a championship. With your talents I’m sure Riley could have built a more traditional team around you to get you back in contention, but you just couldn’t wait. You had to go out and recruit your two “friends” only to find out one of them is a giant predator alien who is scared of everything and the other is some immature d bag who only cares about his public image and (save for Games 4 and 5) cannot handle pressure situations. And since the moves left the rest of your team so depleted and because the predator alien is so scared, you had to become the team’s enforcer in addition to its best player. This led to a host of cheap shots in this series including the devastating injury to Rondo. And now I do not like you. So take that.

Lebron James. Why do you anger me so much? I used to defend you when morons like 98.5 The Sports Hub’s Mike Felger said that you weren’t that talented and were just a freak athlete that couldn’t win. I used to be in awe of watching you play and sorta enjoyed how much fun you had with it. Then you quit on your team last year against the Celtics and everything changed. The Decision. The preseason fireworks show. Throwing your coach under the bus. The terrible commercials. You have made me dislike you more than that guy who plays for the Lakers who was convicted of a sex crime. Do you know how confusing that is? Now when I watch you I start to think like Mike Felger. I see you as some more athletic version of Ron Artest. I love it when you shoot. I expect you to miss. Then you run off 10 points to close the game last night and I get pissed at myself for forgetting how good you are and pissed at you for crying after winning a second round series. Grow up. You could have gone down as the second greatest player of all time with tens of millions of adoring fans. Instead, people will continue to knock what you do on the court because they simply can’t stand you. And the only people who “love” you are a bunch of rich beach sluts that can’t be bothered to show up on time to your games and what’s worse is that they think it’s ok to wear white after labor day!

David Stern. Why are you screwing up the NBA right in the middle of its most successful season? The talent level is at an all time high. Ratings are through the roof. Rivalries are starting to build back up. The league has become truly international. We may finally have a brand new champion this year (Memphis/Dallas/OKC). The league is raking in tons of dough. But the owners can’t save them from themselves so they need big bad Mr. Stern to save them. If games are missed next year because a group of terrible owners didn’t know how to run their business, I will place a call to my mafia family and have them start a war with your mob. It’s your move Stern.

Thanks for reading my grievances. I think I feel a little better now. Hopefully those of you who like basketball in general will continue to watch the playoffs this year because there are still a lot of fun and entertaining teams that don't play in that sweaty taint of a city called Miami. Let's go Oklahoma City!

We needed Richard Kimble but we got Sykes

The Celtics got outplayed last night and it was a miracle the team was able to force a tie at the end of the game. Paul Pierce had a strong first half but was pretty quiet in the second half and made a couple terrible turnovers in the fourth. Kevin Garnett had one of his worst games of the season, shooting 1 for 10 including taking and missing just 2 shots inside the paint, while also allowing Alien Chris Bosh to pull down 12 rebounds, score 20 points and get some much needed confidence back. Ray Allen was mostly a non factor and was thoroughly beat by Dwyane Wade. The bench and Jermaine O’Neal actually played decently, especially on defense, but playing 30 minutes left Delonte West a little exposed as a ball handler and leader of the offense. Finally, Rajon Rondo played really well. For a one armed man. And that was the problem, the Celtics needed a two armed man to lead their attack on both ends of the floor if they were going to beat the two headed monster of Wade and James (and missing that wide open layup with a minute left had nothing to do with the left arm).

I want to make a point to say that if (and when) the Celtics lose this series it is not because Danny Ainge traded Kendrick Perkins. Perkins would not have taken those 9 shots that KG missed. Perkins would have taken Jermaine’s productive minutes in this series and who knows if he would have played them as well (he’s having a pretty bad series against Memphis right now). Perkins would not have taken the wide open layup that Rondo missed or the terrible final shot in regulation that Pierce bricked. He may have set a better pick on that final play to free Ray than KG did, but most likely he would not have even been in on that play because he was such an offensive liability.

The Celtics are losing (and will lose) this series because Dwyane Wade and Lebron James are just too good for this team right now. They are much better players than Pierce and Allen at this stage of their careers so without KG and Rondo consistently outplaying their counterparts as they should, the Celtics just can’t compete. With Rondo’s injury and KG’s reluctance to assert himself on offense over a man who is open about getting nervous before games, this has just not been possible for the whole series. The bench should have been a strength for the Celtics too, but for whatever reason the pieces just never fit. The “experts” on the big networks like to talk about how important experience is in the playoffs, but for my money I will take talent every time and the Heat have just too much talent in their top 2 players for the Celtics to overcome.

The one positive in all of this is that the Celtics are down 3-1 and not 3-0. Teams have come back from this deficit before, but usually they have 2 of the last 3 at home, and not the other way around like the Celtics. As a Red Sox fan I have learned to never fully give up on a good team in the playoffs, but to say I am optimistic would be a lie. And not to shit in everybody’s cereal, but with a potential season ending lockout looming, this could be the last we see of Celtics basketball for a while. So if this series comes to a close tomorrow night, I would recommend checking out the Hawks-Bulls series and especially the Grizzlies-Thunder series because both have been extremely entertaining to this point. Also, pick a rooting interest in the Western Conference because every potential East representative in the Finals makes me shudder. In fact, why not cheer for Perk, Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder? That’s who I’ll be watching as my team, the Celtics, head home after a strong season that was probably their last chance at number 18 for a while.

Doc Rivers is not a real Doctor

We (yes Dostie I use we, I’ll get into why that’s ok at a later date) had a great Game 3 on Saturday. Kevin Garnett made an appearance, Paul Pierce started the game in hero mode (good) instead of ending the game in hero mode (bad), Shaq lumbered around for 8 minutes, Jeff Green and Delonte West played decently, Jermaine O’Neal did his thing yet again and my little buddy Rajon Rondo put the question in our minds, “Is he better one handed than two?” There were a lot of positives that we could dig deeper into, but since the bad (Game 1 and Game 2) has outweighed the good (Game 3) so far, I want to talk about something that has been overlooked to this point that stands as a real concern for the rest of the series: Doc Rivers substitutions.

Doc Rivers has turned himself into a good NBA coach. He has won an NBA championship and 2 Coach of the Year awards. He has earned the respect and love of his players. He took a late first round draft pick who was known for butting heads with his coaches (Rondo) and has helped to turn him into a superstar and a leader. Most importantly, he has mastered the skill that seems to be most important in today’s NBA, which is managing player egos. One thing Doc has always struggled with, though, is putting the right guys on the court in the right situations.

The single biggest sign of a bad coach: Someone who can't settle on an eight-man or nine-man rotation. NBA players need consistency. They need to play together for prolonged periods. They don't like looking over their shoulder every time the horn blasts. They don't need a coach whisking guys on and off the court for four quarters, especially a young player battling to maintain his confidence. Bill Simmons, Jan. 12, 2006

This quote, taken from a Bill Simmons article 5 years ago, demonstrates Doc’s most serious flaw. He was never able to settle on a set rotation when the team was composed of Paul Pierce and a bunch of youngsters and role players. When Danny Ainge gift wrapped him KG and Ray Allen, Doc’s job became a little easier. Play the Big 3 for 34-38 minutes a night and fill in accordingly. His first year with the new nucleus, he was also blessed with a true sixth man in James Posey to make his substitutions even easier. However, with young and inconsistent players at point guard and center (Rondo and Kendrick Perkins) and wily veterans backing them up (Sam Cassell and P.J. Brown), Doc still had a hard time settling on any consistency.

The next two years did not make things any easier on Doc. Rondo and Perkins emerged as legitimate stars and starters, respectively, which allowed Doc to put each of them on a regular rotation with the rest of the Big 3, but Doc was now faced with two new problems he did not have to deal with as much in Year 1 of the Big 3 era. The first problem that arose was the increased roles of Glenn Davis, Tony Allen and the revolving door of backup point guards (Eddie House, Stephon Marbury, Nate Robinson). With the departures of key veterans after the championship season, Davis, Allen and Rondo’s backups all were thrust into more minutes. For those of you who watched those two seasons, you of course know that it was impossible to know whether any of these players would play well from night to night. They all played hard, sure, but rarely did they play smart and this led to a lot of inconsistency in level of play and playing time.

The other problem that Doc had to deal with was injuries. In 2008-09, KG missed 25 games and Tony Allen, Pierce and Ray’s top backup, missed 36. The next season, KG missed 13, Pierce missed 11, Davis and Tony Allen each missed 28, and Marquis Daniels missed 31. This amount of injuries would wreak havoc on any coach, so we cannot really fault Doc here for having trouble finding a set rotation.

This season brought with it a whole new issue for Doc’s rotation. For the previous 3 seasons, the Celtics’ mantra was that they had never lost a playoff series with their starting 5 intact. This season, Perkins missed the first 43 games of the season, and his replacements, the O’Neal brothers, alternated trips to the trainer’s table the whole time. In addition, Daniels’ season came to an end prematurely leaving the team without a true backup for Pierce. Of course, at the trade deadline, Ainge blew up the supporting cast around the (now) Big 4 and Doc has yet to figure out the best rotation for this team.

Which brings us to the Miami series. In this series, Doc has made 3 egregious substitution mistakes that have had varying impacts.

1) and 2) Playing Glenn Davis and not playing Jermaine O’Neal. In Games 1 and 2, Davis played 9 more minutes than O’Neal. In Games 1 and 2, Davis’ Plus/Minus was -35 and O’Neal’s was +2. In Games 1 and 2, the Celtics lost by a combined 20 points. For those who do not know what Plus/Minus is here is a quick example. Let’s say Jermaine O’Neal starts the game and with about 5 minutes left in the opening quarter is replaced by Davis with the Celtics winning by a score of 18-5. O’Neal’s Plus/Minus is +13 because the Celtics outscored the opponent by 13 points while he was in the game. Then, let’s say, Davis exits the game with 12 seconds left in the 1^st quarter with the score now 27-19, Celtics. In his time on the court, the Celtics were outscored 14-9, so his Plus/Minus is -5 (Note: this was an actual scenario from Game 2 of the Knicks series). So why was Doc playing Davis more than O’Neal when Davis was clearly playing poorly and O’Neal was clearly playing well? Granted, he did fix this in Game 3 (Davis only played 11 minutes and only managed a 0 Plus/Minus in a blowout), but what took him so long? O’Neal outplayed Davis in every game but the first game of the Knicks series, including a whopping Plus/Minus difference of 46 in Game 3 (O’Neal +30, Davis -16). Clearly Doc has to play Davis some and maybe O’Neal can’t handle too many more minutes given his injury problems right now, but something is clearly off about Davis. Had Doc realized this sooner, maybe Games 1 and 2 would have been within reach, specifically Game 2 when Davis blew 3 shots in a row after the Celtics fought back to tie the game at 80 apiece. (For more on this go to Celtics Hub for a full breakdown of the Celtics' center situation).

3) Playing a one armed man with a double digit lead. This is another reminder that Doc Rivers is not a real Doctor. This may be the dumbest coaching move I have ever seen. What in the hell was Doc thinking allowing Rondo back into that game, especially with an 11 point lead? After Rondo was thrown to the ground by new public enemy number 1, Dwyane Wade, it looked like his season and the Celtics’ possibilities of advancing were over. To the delight of the crowd, Rondo returned to the bench about 10 minutes later. With his left arm dangling by his side, nobody thought he would actually come into the game, but it was great to see the little guy come out to support his team. Then the 4^th quarter started and there he was on the court, grabbing a rebound with his giant right hand. With the Celtics’ lead reaching as high as 18, but no lower than 11, Rondo remained in the game the entire 4^th quarter with one good arm. He was left exposed to picks, box outs, deflections and one particularly scary moment when he dove on the floor but expertly kept his left arm out of harm’s way. But this all begs the question, why? True, Delonte West was also injured in this game and we do not know how bad and Rondo is clearly a physical freak who was able to play almost as effectively with the one arm. But with a DISCLOCATED ELBOW and at least 3 more games to play if they want to move on, there is absolutely no reason he should have seen the court again. The Heat have terrible point guards and Doc could have gone with a rotation of Jeff Green and Von Wafer to cover up for West and Rondo’s absence for one quarter. I don’t know who got ahold of Doc’s ear to convince him that this was a good decision. Yes, everything worked out, but it is a coach’s job to put his players and his team in the best position to succeed on that day’s game and in the future. By allowing Rondo to play that quarter, Doc put the team and Rondo’s career in jeopardy and I am still having a hard time figuring out why.

I can't wait for tonight's game.

Celtics-Heat: The Moment We've Been Waiting For

When trying to come up with a gimmick to discuss this vaunted playoff matchup, I decided to dust off my MBA that has been collecting cobwebs for almost 2 full years now and go with a “SWOT” analysis of the Miami Heat. For those of you who didn’t waste 2 years chasing a piece of paper only to end up a glorified secretary at a bankruptcy law firm, “SWOT” stands for Strenghts, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. Strengths are what the team is good at; weaknesses are what the team is not good at; opportunities are areas where the team can attack its opponent (the Celtics); threats are areas where the opponent could exploit the team. Essentially, it’s a way to say that the Heat are good at this and bad at that and the Celtics are good at this and bad at that, while allowing me to find some use, any use, for my “advanced” degree besides as a dinner napkin. Oh, and don't worry, this will not be stat heavy at all, I evaluate basketball way more on what I see than by the numbers. I am sorry to say it will be a LONG post so maybe print it out and take it to the bathroom with you after lunch.

STRENGTHS

 

Athleticism: Just look at this video of Lebron James’ blocks and this video of Dwyane Wade. While Paul Pierce and Ray Allen do as well as anyone guarding these two (although on Wade it’s really a team effort), their “Where were you when JFK was shot” athleticism makes absolutely anything possible on both ends of the floor. When Rajon Rondo gets a 15 foot head start on the break he has to be wary of Lebron unleashing the fury from behind. When Kevin Garnett looks to fire a pass to a cutting Paul Pierce he has to think twice about Wade lurking in the passing lane. When Wade and Lebron get out on the break together the Celtics might as well start thinking about their next offensive play (unless Jermaine O’Neal is around to give them another forearm shiver). And even when one of the Celtics’ wing players have done his job sliding his feet and staying square with Wade or Lebron, if they get within 10 feet of the hoop there’s still a huge possibility for an explosion and a facial and two points on the board.

Team defense: As I mentioned before, this is a very athletic team with a penchant for the spectacular. This does not stop with just Lebron and Wade as Chris Bosh is remembering that he is athletic and 6’11’’ and can block shots and Joel Anthony provides a nice interior presence on defense. Mario Chalmers off the bench also gives the Heat a decent option defending at the point guard position. This team does not have the disciplined rotation style defense that the Celtics employ, but their freakish young legs allow them to compensate for some fundamental mistakes. They will be in the passing lanes, closing out on three point shots (which means running at the three point shooters while they are shooting, taking away an open look), converging on players driving towards the hoop, trapping non-ball handlers like Glenn Davis, Jeff Green and Allen, blocking shots on double teams and of course, taking away seemingly wide open fast breaks.

Passing: So if it feels like this whole “Strengths” section could have just had four words under it (Lebron James Dwyane Wade) it’s because that is pretty much their strength. This team has 2 of the best 5 basketball players on the planet and they both do everything well but shoot 3 pointers. Passing is another one of their amazing talents. Wade has averaged as high as 7.5 assists per game over a season and, before the current incarnation of the Heat, regularly was the main ball handler and distributor (and shooter and rebounder and defender). James came into the league his rookie year and actually lined up at point guard for half the season. Bill Simmons used to say that James was set to become the New Magic because of his great court vision and the ability to make any pass. His lack of good teammates over the years stunted his ascension to New Magic-dom, but when these 3 idiots joined up this year there was talk of him averaging a triple-double, and it wasn’t that outrageous.

Rebounding: Again, it’s the Lebron and Dwyane show. Two of the best rebounders at their position, they use their strength and athleticism to crash the boards with a vengeance. The impressive thing about the tandem, is that one of them can charge in for a defensive rebound while the other gets out on the break and they can throw a perfect outlet pass for the finish. The rest of the team isn’t particularly strong in this area, but Bosh can be solid when motivated and Anthony will collect his share of offensive boards when teams play off of him to check Wade and James.

WEAKNESSES

Players not named Wade, James, Bosh: The problems that were expected before the season started have actually proven to be worse than expected. Udonis Haslem and Mike Miller were expected to be at least average players to make a strong crunch time lineup but Haslem has been out most of the season and won’t play in this series and Miller has been largely ineffective. The center position looked bad coming into the season (despite the 5 year deal they handed out to Joel Anthony, which is why we are headed to a lockout) and it has not gotten any better. Zydrunas Ilgauskas is a sieve on defense and Anthony does not need to be covered on offense, allowing teams to help on Wade and James. The point guard position was looked at as a position where a guy could come in and just shoot the corner 3, but the revolving door of Mario Chalmers, Carlos Arroyo and Mike Bibby have rarely been able to handle even that much. Worse, the addition of Bibby has proven disastrous on defense as he wouldn’t be able to cover a nine year old girl giving a piggy back ride to Big Baby.

Offense: This is not a good offensive team. The incredible abilities of Wade and James and the steadiness of Bosh mask a team that has no playbook to speak of and has a clear alpha dog struggle that still has not worked itself out. If the two freaks do not get out on a fast break, the offense grinds to a halt. The offense follows the basic premise that you give the ball to James or Wade on the wing, send the other one to the opposite side, and let the ball handler do his work. Occasionally there will be a pick with Bosh or a post up for Bosh, but this is about the extent of the playbook.

OPPORTUNITIES

Offensive rebounding: As tt has been a problem from day 1 for the Celtics, the Heat will be able to collect a lot of offensive rebounds against one of the worst rebounding teams in the league. With the rotating defense of the Celtics, they tend to lose players and not box them out. Wade and James are definitely two players you don’t want to lose when a loose ball is prancing about. In addition, Anthony will be a guy that the team does not cover and as we saw in the final meeting between these two teams if the Celtics do not rotate back to him when the shot goes up, he could easily get 4-5 offensive rebounds a game that lead to easy points.

Attacking the hoop: If Shaq comes back, and that is a Shaq-sized if, this point will be moot. However, in his absence the Celtics have serious size problems. When Jermaine and KG are both in the game, the team has a strong interior presence and with the strong on the ball defense against James and Wade, they should be able to keep them out of the paint. Unfortunately, when either one of Jermaine and KG takes a seat (let alone both), the inside becomes wide open. It’s crazy to think that size would be an issue against a team with no size like the Heat, but Wade and James are so good at getting to the basket that it is really necessary to have a guy that will make them think twice about barreling in there (oh god do I miss you Perk).

Protecting the hoop: Again, a team with no size like the Heat should not be able to protect the hoop, and when Ilgauskas and Bibby are both in the game they probably won’t be able to. However, when Anthony comes in and James or Wade switches to “guarding” Rondo (playing 10 feet away from him and roaming the paint) it gets really hard to get good looks at the hoop. Add in the facts that Pierce will be exhausted chasing Lebron around, Big Baby gets 70% of his shots at the rim blocked, and Rondo has a (well deserved) fear of Lebron and the lay up line that this team had against the Knicks will be a distant memory.

THREATS

Playoff Rondo: I mentioned that Rondo has a fear of Lebron and there will be times when the Heat are able to play one of the freaks as a free safety against him. But there will also be stretches of the game where Mike “Alby” Bibby sidles up to our little water bug and all hell breaks loose for the Heat. I don’t think I can stress this enough: “Alby” Bibby is a terrible defender. What scares me the most about this matchup is that Erik Spoelstra will realize this sometime in the middle of the first quarter of Game 1 and will put Wade or James on Rondo for the rest of the series. Of course the problem then becomes either Pierce posting him up every time down or Allen running him through a dizzying array of screens. Also, I’m not so sure the free safety defense will work against Playoff Rondo who looks for and makes his 15 foot jump shots with regularity. As it has been all season, as Rondo goes so goes the Celtics.

Help defense: Nobody, save for maybe the Tom Thibodeau coached Bulls, plays better help defense than the Celtics. Pierce and Allen do an admirable job guarding James and Wade, but there will undoubtedly be times when the Heat tandem blows past the Celtics duo. Luckily, KG, Jermaine, Big Baby and Jeff Green all are able to recognize this and rotate into the middle to either force a pass or a tough shot or, especially in the cases of Big Baby and Jermaine, draw a charge and get the two into early foul trouble. Also in the Celtics favor, if the rotating big men force a pass to another Heat player, the man who got beat off the dribble will be able to fall into the defensive rotation and cover one of the Heat players standing on the perimeter. This is huge because while the Heat do have some good perimeter shooters in Bibby, Miller, Chalmers, Ilgauskas and James Jones, every one of them needs to be wide open to shoot a successful jumper. As long as the Celtics continue to close out on the shooters, the Heat penetration will not create as much havoc as usual.

Depth: After the Knicks series when the Celtics built up double digit leads in every first quarter only to see 3 of the 4 of them evaporate when the bench came in, it may seem confusing to list the Celtics depth as a threat to the Heat. However, depth can mean so much more than going 9 deep. The Celtics have depth on defense that I have already touched on. Everyone on the team buys into the style the Celtics play and there are very few weak spots. The Celtics have depth on offense because they can score in a variety of ways, have a solid playbook and have a coach who knows how to call plays coming out of a time out. And, when compared to the Heat, the Celtics do have a deep bench. Glenn Davis, Jeff Green and Delonte West are solid NBA players. As much grief as I have given to Davis and Green, they can still be strong contributors in this series and just cannot be as bad as they were against the Knicks. If they all play with a little more aggression and their typical solid defense, the Heat could be in big trouble when one or two of their Big 3 go out and its bench vs. bench.

Pressure: Typically I do not put much stock in mysterious forces like pressure (or the stock market or gravity or PMS), but James and Bosh have yet to show they can consistently handle high pressure situations. As the higher seed with home court advantage (and a shitty one at that) and the preseason expectations, all the pressure is on the Heat in this series. If those idiots down there expect to win 7 or 8 or 9 titles together, they are going to have to get started this year. The Celtics proved that you could bring 3 superstars together and win immediately so now all eyes are on this team to see if they can live up to the massive expectations they set for themselves. I think this will ultimately be their undoing through missed foul shots late in a close game that will allow the Celtics to steal a game they should have lost. I’m going with the depth and Rondo of the Celtics over 2 of the 5 best players in the league on the Heat.

Celtics in 6.

The feeling you get when you beat a crippled child at basketball

That was an exciting game with a couple amazing performances, but make no mistake, the team as a whole was bad. I’m going to borrow from a 1966 Clint Eastwood movie, “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly”, with something I am going to call, “The Great, The Good, The Bad, and The So Terrible I Considered Cutting My Eyes Out and Cryogenically Freezing Them Until This Iteration of The Celtics Is Over With So I Never Have to See this Type of Play Again”. So it’s not that catchy of a title but I think it perfectly captures last night’s Game 2.

The Great

Rajon Rondo: 14 points in the first quarter and 30 overall. Constantly out ahead of the pack or forcing the issue against some indifferent defenders. Some great switches onto Carmelo in the second half. I think my favorite part of the night though was a series in the fourth quarter with the Celtics down 2 and 7 and a half minutes left. At this point the team had scored just 2 points in the quarter and the Knicks had climbed back from an 11 point deficit late in the third. So what does Rondo, a guy who usually vanishes in the fourth because he fears getting fouled and having to make free throws, do? Driving layup, driving layup, post-up layup that would give Kevin McHale a chubby. Just an incredible night from the undisputed best player on the team. As long as he stays focused, this team has a shot to win every night.

Carmelo Anthony: A lot of people have been hard on Melo this season. He handled his situation in Denver with the finesse of an old man trying to send soup back at a deli and then when the Knicks gutted their depth to get him on the roster they actually started to play worse while his old team played better. He also came under the ire of the statistical community, who said his ball hog nature and lack of defense make him something less than an elite player. But one thing I don’t think anybody questioned was his ability to score. The Sports Guy loves to compare Melo to Bernard King, especially with his move to New York, and this game is exactly what he means when he says this. Melo is probably the greatest scorer in basketball right now (with apologies to Rose, Durant and Kobe). He’s a cross between a young Paul Pierce and an old Michael Jordan. There were 3 shots last night that you just don’t see other people make. The first was a play where he was fouled shooting a 20 foot jumper by either Jeff Green or Big Baby (more on them later) and Tim Duncaned the ball home off the glass. The second was off a tipped offensive rebound (more on this later as well) that he gathered under the hoop, then exploded into Jermaine O’Neal for the And 1. The last one was what looked like a desperation 3 with the shot clock winding down in the fourth with Pierce’s hand in his face that swished through effortlessly. And oh ya, he also had 17 rebounds and 6 assists to go with his 42 points. He took a team without 2 of its 3 best players and really no other above average players and almost single handedly beat a team that is supposed to be a championship contender. If he pulled it off this goes down as one of the greatest playoff performances ever. Still might be.

The Good

The Big 3: KG had another well rounded game and had the game winning offensive and defensive plays. Pierce had a strong second half scoring the ball, successfully doing his hero thing in the third to extend the Celts to a double digit lead. Ray hit three huge 3-pointers in the third and played solid all around. With Rondo putting on the Bat Man cape for the night, the Big 3 did just enough to support his efforts. I would feel a little more comfortable with our chances to win this year if we could get 2 of these four playing excellent games on any given night. The biggest drawback from this group last night was the lack of big rebounds like they had in game one.

The Knicks bench: Already down Chauncey Billups, the Knicks lost Amare Stoudemire in the second quarter leaving Melo and a cast of scrubs. Well for one night, that cast of scrubs did all they could to stay out of Melo’s way and provide just enough support to almost steal one. Of note was Jared Jeffries, a 240 pound small forward masquerading as a center on this team. While KG absolutely destroyed him on both ends in the last 20 seconds, Jeffries was finding empty spots when the Celtics were double teaming Melo, pulling down some clutch rebounds and blocking a couple shots. This may have actually been a good strategy by the Knicks. Play a bunch of shitty guys so the Celtics think they are playing against Sacramento in February and they won’t try hard. Very sneaky Mike D’Antoni.

The Bad

Jermaine O’Neal and Delonte West: Two guys that are going to be key role players in the push for 18, had not so good nights. After a throwback performance in Game 1, Jermaine seemed a step slow on his rotations and timid on the boards (although he ended up with a plus 10). Delonte was just a total non-entity last night. When he comes into the game with Rondo at the point he really looks like he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t think either really contributed to how poorly the team played on the night, but I would like to see a lot more out of these guys.

The So Terrible I Considered Cutting My Eyes Out and Cryogenically Freezing Them Until This Iteration of The Celtics Is Over With So I Never Have to See this Type of Play Again

The Rebounding: Look, when you run out a power forward at center and a small forward out at power forward for large chunks of a game, you aren’t going to be a good rebounding team. I get that. I also understand that Doc prefers to have the guys get back on defense rather than trying to get offensive rebounds. But it legitimately seems like they do not know how to rebound. When a shot goes up, you find your man, stick your ass into his gut (no homo) push him backwards, and explode towards the ball. When a shot goes up against the Celtics, they slowly turn their bodies to follow the flight of the shot, move underneath the hoop, bunch together, either jump right as the ball hits the rim (way too early) or not at all, and then turn around because they have to now return to defense because they’ve given up another offensive rebound. There is no better team in the league than the Celtics at forcing bad shots and causing teams to shoot for a low percentage. Last night the Knicks shot 35% from the field and lost by 3! This is absolutely mind blowing. I legitimately think we could send my freshman basketball team out there and do a better job rebounding than the Celtics and our starting center was 5’10’’.

Jeff Green: What would ya say…ya do here? Please tell me because I would like to know. We know you can’t rebound because nobody on this team can rebound except our 6’1’’ point guard. Supposedly you are athletic but you got blocked 2 or 3 times around the hoop last night. Tommy Heinsohn repeated several times last night that you are a “scorer” but you shot 2-8 from the field and missed layups. 5 fouls in 12 minutes. Worst yet, we traded away the only guy on our team who loved to rebound for you. I am so against Jeff Green right now I would rather see Von Wafer get some run. God help us all if Danny signs this guy to a long term deal to try to salvage that getting worse by the day trade.

Glen Davis: Speaking of guys who could push me towards religion if he is signed long term, Big Baby was atrocious last night. It may not have looked that way as he wasn’t doing typical Bonehead Big Baby stuff like shooting 20 foot jumpers, but I promise you he was terrible. The rebounding scenario I described above starred Big Baby every single time. His rotations were terrible. His lack of shooting long jumpers has actually turned him into a completely useless offensive player because now he just catches the ball 20 feet from the basket and holds it and looks around like he has no clue what to do. And his “defense” on Jared Jeffries for what could have been the game winning shot was the exact opposite of what a person who has played basketball his whole life would do. He was behind Jeffries! I know he was sort of trying to hedge on Toney Douglas coming behind, but he was behind him! He left a terrible offensive player a clear path to the basket and then barely tried to chase him down! Not only that, but this is supposed to be our 6^th man. The first reserve of the bench, basically the captain of the bench. In the two extended stretches that the Celtics had mostly bench players in tonight, they gave up a lead of 10 points in the first and 11 points at the end of the third. You want to be our 6^th man Glen, that is on you.

All that said, a win is a win. We are fortunate to be up 2-0 to a clearly inferior team. Maybe the team is trying to keep some things close to the vest before we have to play Miami. Whatever it is, they better figure out how to rebound and the bench better remember how to play basketball before the next round. Not a fun game, but I will take the win.

Tony Allen Killed Our Hopes Of A Title...No, Really

The above video is a sneak preview of part 5 of the awesome season long documentary "The Association" on ESPN, which is their "Hard Knocks" knock off that this season followed my beloved Celtics through thick (Shaq, Big Baby) and thin (Rondo, KG). The video shows our All Star point guard, Rajon Rondo, sharing his thoughts on the "loss" of his best friend, Kendrick Perkins, and is the perfect segue into me finally sharing my thoughts on the now infamous Perkins trade.

I will get to the title of my post later, but first I want to address the deal on its own. It has been about 2 months since the trade went down and 26 games have been played with the new guys. In today's world, analysis of big moves like this are expected instantly, but in a trade like this where the whole team was completely remade on deadline day, I feel it is best to let it marinate like a fine piece of milk steak before you can truly assess the deal. Well, with the first season now complete and the second season about to start, that moist, delicious piece of milk steak is ready to come off the hot plate. So here we go...

This trade sucks. There is no other way to put it. I am done making excuses and rationalizations. After 3 and a half years of smart moves, Danny Ainge decided to go back to being "Trader Danny" (seriously, go back and look at all the trades he has made in his 8 years with the Celtics) and in one fell swoop, completely changed the identity of this team.

On February 23, we were the F U Bad Boys of Boston. The defending Eastern Conference champs. The team whose fully healthy starting 5 had never lost a playoff series. A middle of the road offense with an intimidating defense. We had 4 All Stars and a huge front line that went 5 deep. True, we were old and our 5 deep front line included 3 injury cases (the O'Neals and Perk). Our back court rotation was suspect due to the injuries of Delonte West and Marquis Daniels and the maddening inconsistencies of Nate Robinson and Von Wafer. The long term picture was a little cloudy as well, but at least the team appeared poised to deal with the new CBA as well as any other elite team in the league. But, as I like to say, flags fly forever and on February 23, we knew we were well positioned to smack down the prima donna Heat, teach the upstart Bulls a lesson in championship play and finish it off by showing the Lakers that we had not forgotten about last season.

On February 25 it was all different. Gone was our enforcer (Perk) and 5 foot 7 inches of pure swagger (Nate, who I am glad is gone, but he definitely appeared to provide something off the court for this team). Also removed were fan mascot and Brian Scalabrine replacement, Luke Harangody (you can't underestimate how much Boston loves a good white Irish guy for mop up time) and team mascot and energy guy Semih Erden (you can't underestimate how much I loved making boner jokes with Semih's first name).

In came Jeff Green, a 24 year old forward who is too weak to play power forward and is not assertive or efficient enough to play small forward, and Nenad Kristic, a soft jump shooting center who no longer shoots jump shots and has the worst come over since Homer Simpson (also brought in were waiver pickups Sasha Pavlovic, Troy Murphy and Carlos Arroyo, but they have been about as useful as an asshole right here (points to right elbow)). And just like that we were no longer intimidating. No longer had swagger. No longer had the promise that our starting 5 had never lost a 7 game series.

Best I can tell, this trade happened for 4 reasons, all of which appear to be for shit right now:

1) The Offense: The offense was definitely not a strong point of this Celtics team this year. Overall, they were a middling offensive team and especially had issues when they had to go to the bench. Too often, teams would go on 8-0 or 14-2 runs against the bench earlier in the year, because the bench became the Big Baby show and nobody else would even be able to get an open shot. The times when the offense would click would be at the beginning and end of games when we had our 4 All Stars and either Shaq or Big Baby. Perk coming back from his injury would certainly not help this issue (although it would push Shaq to more time with the bench unit which could have upped its offensive output) so Danny felt an upgrade was in order. Well, the upgrade back fired. Believe it or not, we are now a WORSE offensive team than we were before. Part of it is due to the starters playing worse over the last few weeks and Shaq (the real linchpin of the deal) playing only 5 minutes since the trade, but the other part is that Kristic and Green are not what they had been advertised as. Which brings me to my next reason...

2) The Versatility of Jeff Green: Green was supposed to be the second coming of James Posey. A guy who could spell Pierce and guard the other team's toughest wing player. A guy who could pair up with KG and play as a super long and athletic small ball front line. A guy who could float on the wing and nail down the corner 3 when defenses collapsed on the 4 All Stars. Unfortunately, I think Danny confused "Versatility" with a "Lack of a strong discernible skill". Seriously. Does Jeff Green have any elite skills? Bill Simmons has been pushing a theory for years that it is easier to succeed in the NBA with one truly elite skill (think Bruce Bowen's defense, Eddie House's shooting or James Posey's pre-game hugs) than with average skills in a lot of areas and I think this is the perfect explanation for Jeff Green. At just 24, I think Green is maxed out as a guy who will do a lot of things ok but nothing identifiable (to clarify, a guy like Paul Pierce doesn't have one elite skill that defines him either because he has so many elite skills. You don't have to be a specialist to be valuable, but if you don't have an overall elite profile like Pierce you better figure out one or two specific ways to make your mark).

3) The Future: Danny offered Perk the biggest extension he could under the rules of the cap (4 years, $22 mil) and, as everyone on both sides agreed, he rightfully declined the below market offer. So, did that mean we couldn't offer him a contract in the offseason? Not at all, and it could have been for significantly more than the in season offer. The real question is how much would we have been comfortable spending on him, and in 2 years would a core of Rondo, Perk and aging Pierce be enough to compete? I tend to think that it would not have and that it would have been best to let Perk go. IN THE OFF SEASON. But Trader Danny decided it would be good to get something for Perk that would improve our situation more long term. So he trades for Jeff Green and Nenad Kristic. Who will both be free agents this off season. Like Perk. Huh? How exactly does this address the future? Yes, the Celtics will have the right to match any offer that Jeff Green receives because he is a restricted free agent, but, again, would a core of Rondo, Green and Pierce be competitive in 2 years? Absolutely not. I've already touched on Green's shortcomings and haven't even addressed the fact that he is 100% not a power forward and would thus play the same position as Pierce so it wouldn't be a fit. So, let's say that Danny makes the smart decision and doesn't sign either Green or Kristic to long term deals, how does this improve our future? Why not go with Perk for the remainder of the season and send him on his way with his second championship ring and look to build around Rondo?

4) The Big Shamrock: The thinking went, the Celtics played out of their minds at the beginning of the season with Shaq in the starting lineup (the Celtics Hub shows us that the 4 All Stars + Shaq was the second best lineup in all of basketball). While he was out with an injury at the time of the deal, so was Perk, and Shaq was expected back soon and his offense combined with his ability to at least clog the lane would be plenty for this team. Well the season is now over and Shaq has played exactly 5 minutes since the deal and is as big a question mark going into the post season as John Travolta's sexuality. And even if Shaq were in fine shape, he is not Kendrick Perkins on defense. Chicago and Miami appear to be salivating to get a crack at our interior, prison style. As much fun as the starters seemed to have playing with Shaq earlier in the season, they were all doing so under the assumption that their brother would be back in full health eventually and they would get to put their starting 5 to the test once again. Since the deal, the team has sulked. They are acting like a bunch of babies yes, but we have to face this reality and realize that the Perk deal destroyed their morale, wrongly or rightly. And even a 100% healthy Shaq is not going to change that.

So where does Tony Allen fit into all of this? He's not around to brick layups and wide open jumpers or throw passes to the 15th row seats, so how is he killing our shot at a title?

On July 13, Tony Allen signed with the Memphis Grizzlies even though it was widely expected he would return to Boston. It seemed like an odd move at the time (though the deal I believe was for an extra year than the Celtics were offering) because he was going from being the 7th man for the Eastern Conference champs to being the 7th man for a team that would struggle to make the playoffs in the West.

On July 26, scrambling to fill T.A.'s void and find a capable backup for Pierce and Allen, Danny brought Marquis Daniels back to the team. Marquis was a solid player but injury prone and suffered from some of the same things that Jeff Green suffers from (no truly elite skills). At least he was a steady presence who could provide a little bit of what T.A. could by matching up with elite wing players and providing a little scoring and ball handling.

So what happened next? After a slow start to the season, T.A. exploded with the Grizzlies, alternating between the starting lineup and the bench and completely transforming the team into a defensive force. After a solid and healthy 4 months with the Celtics, Marquis injured his spine in a freak accident and was done for the season. All of a sudden, the already heavily snake bitten Celtics, were without a reliable backup wing player, while their former backup wing was playing like a man possessed down in Elvis country. Then on February 24, Trader Danny decided to address this backup wing issue, even though in the playoffs there is probably only a total of 16 minutes that we will need from a backup 2/3, and rather than make a small deal for a guy like Anthony Parker he traded away our intimidation.

I fully believe that if T.A. stayed in Boston, Marquis would not have been brought back, at the trade deadline we would not be needing a back up for Paul Pierce, and Danny would not have felt the need to trade away Kendrick Perkins. We would have had a defensive force with a passable offense and be prepared to seize Banner 18. What had started as one of the more enjoyable Celtics season in my lifetime has become a giant ball of uncertainty that will probably flame out in the second round.

At least we have the Red Sox...Oh wait.