First chapter of a series.
I thought it would be a good idea to document my path to becoming a good golfer. I currently do not have a handicap. If I did, I’d be sitting pretty with 50. I’m 27 years old and have golfed once or twice a year for the past 10 years. However, I just really got into it last August after softball season. It took one weekend golf extravaganza MC’d by The Condition to give me the itch. After successfully shooting 120 on 18 holes each day, I decided the time was now…..that I could be a PGA golfer.
Now, I’d played my fair share of Tiger Woods on PS2 and PS3 in my day, so I knew what to do, how to swing, what clubs to use. However, I had no idea how to spin a ball or power up my driver without the use of an R2 button. So, I went out and bought all new stuff. Screw the hand me down, bullshit. I wanted the good stuff. Say hello to the TaylorMade R9 irons, Rossa putter, and Ping G2 wood set. Kiss the Wilson clubs goodbye. Seriously? Wilson? No wonder I sucked so bad.
You’d never guess what happened – the clubs didn’t make my game any tighter. I continued to suck. And so begins Odo’s plight to get good at golf.
Saturday April 9, 2011:
Course: Westborough Country Club
Holes: 18
Par: 72
Attire: Black khakis, black thermal, silver polo, track jacket, Greg Norman straw hat
Other Participants: RicRoc, MikeyMo, The Condition
I hit the driving range the night before. I hadn’t swung my clubs since last November, so I needed to get some kinks out. I was feeling good – nervous, but good. The Condition pulled up to my condo around 7:30. He proceeded to greet me with open arms, which is not usual. He then proceeded to greet my toilet, which is very usual for him. Upon him finishing him up in the boys room, we hopped in the Shoe and putted on over to Westborough Country Club for an 8:22 tee-time. A frost delay caused a bit of a back-up on the first tee, but we broke out the big sticks around 8:50. I stepped up to the tee box with all eyes on me – the entire town of Westborough watching one man and his driver. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and swung – straight down the fairway. I dropped my driver, turned to MikeyMo and RicRoc, gave my best D-Generation X “Suck It” pelvic thrust and walked away. I was done with golf for the year. Not really….
I parred my first hole of the season. It was incredible. I should’ve quit while I was ahead because things only got worse. However, I’d like to note that I only lost two balls on the day, which is a record for me.
Front 9: 56 strokes
Back 9: 58 strokes
Total: 114 – only 42 over par. That’s less than a triple-bogey each hole!
Place: 4th of 4
Lost Balls: 2
Food: Granola bar on Hole 8
Drink: Bud Lights (3)
Tobacco: Cigar
Cart: Yes
Rate: $50 (including cart)
$/stroke: $0.44 – that’s affordable!
Sunday April 10, 2011:
Course: Westborough Country Club
Holes: 9
Par: 36
Attire: Sunday Red polo, black shorts, white hat
Other Participants: MikeyMo, The Sandman
Things were bound to get better on my second day out. We teed off around 4 PM. I broke out the Sunday Red with some black shorts. If I can’t play the part, I might as well look the part.
Bogey on 1 and then the unthinkable happened. I teed off on 2 and drilled my Noodle ball about 10 yards from the green. Holy sh*t!. A little chip onto the green set the stage for the greatest golf moment in my short, but illustrious career. Between me and a birdie stood 5 feet of green. I took my time, closed my eyes, and putted. THE BIRDDOG!!!!
Things were looking up. I then shot a 9 on the 3rd hole proceeding to hit two trees in the process. It was a tale of hot and cold because I parred the 4th, triple bogied the 5th, and bogied the 6th. Somehow, I was sitting at 33 after 6 holes and I began to think that I could possibly break 50. Teeing off with a 7-iron on the par 3 7th, I nailed the green, but stood about 45 feet from the pin.
1 putt
2 putt
3 putt
4
F*ck me!! I lost it. 38 strokes through 7. I put my drive on 8 into the woods – take another 2 strokes!
9 strokes on Hole 8.
6 strokes on Hole 9.
What could’ve been miraculous turned into a complete disaster. I suck again!
Front 9: 52 strokes
Total: 52 – only 16 over par!
Place: 2nd of 3
Lost Balls: 1
Food: Chips Ahoy (4-pack), granola bar
Drink: Bud Lights (3)
Tobacco: None
Cart: None
Rate: $20
$/stroke: $0.38 – even cheaper!
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