Sunday, April 17, 2011

Odo's Trials and Tribulations in Getting Good at Golf Part II

Second chapter of a series

As you know, I am documenting my plight to get good at golf.  I can confidently tell you that this weekend's rounds were a LOT more interesting than last weekend's.  I didn't get any better, so I've decided that I am truly golfing for the purpose of writing about it.

Listen, I suck at this sport.  I can't deny it.  I suck at every sport in fact.  I've accumulated 5 trophies in my life and all of them are those queer participatory ones.  Hey!  Here's a trophy just for playing.  I was cut from the middle school basketball team.  I was cut from the varsity baseball team for three years.  In my senior year, I was offered a bench sport and my coach said at the year-end banquet that I would "make a great coach someday."  Thanks Coach!  Why don't you just tell me I have no skills at all? 

Ok, on with the golf highlights from this past weekend...

Saturday April 16, 2011:

Holes:  18
Par:  71 (35 on the front 9, 36 on the back)
Attire:  Black khakis, black thermal, white polo, black asshole hat
Other Participants:  The Sandman, MikeyMo, Super Alby

We teed off at approximately 8:27 AM.  It was f*ckin' cold out and we were the only jackasses on that course that early.  MikeyMo legitimately fell asleep while teeing off.  The Sandman was a bit hungover.  I was two Gordon Vodka nips deep.  Super Alby was dead serious.  We looked like a bunch of no-talent ass clowns:

We were all in good spirits before the round actually started.  Upon everyone teeing off and hoping on our Mario Karts to find our balls (mine was sitting pretty in the fairway), I shot some video footage of everyone's second shots.  Mind you, this video was recorded no more than two minutes later than the first:

With The Sandman coppin' that kinda 'tude with me two minutes into our round, I put the camera away in hopes that he didn't Dennis Rodman my ass and kick me.  Needless to say The Sandman did not have a pretty round on this day.  In fact, he gave true meaning to his nickname as the kid spent more time in the bunkers than I do perusing the Internet for Russian mail order brides.

Now, I was nervous as all hell because I failed to hit up the driving range on April 16th eve.  I was stiff.  I didn't like how my swing felt.  I was in for a long day.

It was a decent front 9 for me this time out.  The drives were straight.  The chips were pretty.  The putts were gorgeous.  I was in the zone.  Maybe Gordon's Vodka is the key to getting good at golf.  It was a typical Odo round of golf.  Par one hole, triple bogey the next, double bogey the next one.  It's not pretty, but that's why I dress as well as I do.  To cover up for the fact that I SUCK.

Best 9 holes of my career just happened.  Kid shoots a 50.  Who the f*ck needs golf lessons?  I'll teach myself.  I was just getting warmed up baby.  If I can shoot a 50 on the front, I should be more than adequate to break 50 on the back.  The Quest for 99 was well on its way.  Today was the day....

I was feeling good going into the turn.  The Gordon's Vodka wore off a bit, so we stopped at the clubhouse for a beer.  It went down smooth.  Less filling and tasted great.

Hole 10 - Bogey
Hole 11 - 4 over par
Hole 12 - 4 over par

Well this round quickly went to shit.  I finished the back 9 with a 56.  The Quest for 99 would have to continue another day.  However, there was one positive takeaway from the day:

Yep.  Despite my shit score, I played all 18 with only one ball.  THIS is how a successful golfer should be measured.  I decided on this day that I'd rather shoot a 109 and not lose a single ball than shoot a 97 and lose three balls.  I'll triple putt all I f*ckin' want as long as I don't lose any balls.  YAHTZEE.

Another key takeaway from this day was MikeyMo doing his best Happy Gilmore impression.  He absolutely LAUNCHED his pitching wedge onto a nearby train track.  This wedge launching occurred on the 16th hole and was pretty freakin' hysterical.  You had to be there for it.  Evenmore so, The Sandman put his clubs on Craiglist for a short period of time.  He retired from the game for good.

Front 9:  50 strokes
Back 9:  59 strokes
Total:  109 – only 38 over par.....I see some improvement!
Place: 3rd of 4 (The Sandman stopped counting strokes on the 7th hole)
Lost Balls: 0

Food:  Granola bar on Hole 8
Drink:  Gordon's Vodka nip (2), Coors Light draft (1)
Tobacco: N/A
Cart:  Yes

Rate:  $55 (including cart)
$/stroke:  $0.51 – this is getting expensive

Sunday April 17, 2011:

Holes:  9
Par:  36
Attire:  Sunday Red polo, black pants, Freddie Couples visor
Other Participants:  MikeyMo, The Sandman, The Condition

Yes, you read that right.  The Sandman came out of his brief retirement.  The Sandman is like the Michael Jordan of golf.  I quit.  I'll play.  I quit.  I'll play.  He didn't get any good bids on his clubs, so he decided to play with us, but reminded us that he would retire again if necessary.

I wasn't feeling golf on this day.  For the sake of this blog, I hit the course anyway.  Rather than hit the range beforehand, The Sandman, The Condition, and I decided to down a few Sam Summers and warm-up via Tiger Woods on PS3.  My thumbs were on fire.  I was ready to play.  We pulled up to the course around 3:15 giving us a solid 10 minutes before our tee time.  MikeyMo was already on the practice green chipping and putting.  Apparently, he and his wedge made up and they were smushing each other again.

The Condition started today's festivities with a 275 foot drive just off the fringe of the fairway to which he said "I guess I'll take it".  F*ck you, Condition!  My ball's 150 yards from the tee box on the 9th fairway.  We were one stroke in and The Condition was already getting on my nerves.  I played the first hole via the 9th fairway the whole time.  While lying 4, I whipped out the ole 7-iron from about 150 yards out.  The Condition was a bit to my right 100 yards up.  Payback time was now:

 Pay no attention to the back hair or plumber crack.  Please turn your attention to the red circle.  That's a welt, ladies and gentlemen.  I lined my 7-iron right at The Condition and gave him a permanent tramp stamp in the process.  Did I yell "four" like golf protocol calls for?  F*ck no.  I wanted to hurt him.  Thanks to my "patience" and "determination", I was able to line a ball off The Conditions back yet still land it on the fringe of the green.  That's talent, baby!!  The Condition's back saved me with a opening hole 7.

1st Hole - 7
2nd Hole - 5
3rd Hole - 8
4th Hole - 4 (PAR!!)

Things were looking ugly.  24 strokes through 4 holes.  WOOF.  Today was not my day.  And then, the tides turned.

5th Hole - 5
6th Hole - 5
7th Hole - 4

Holy crap.  The unthinkable could happen.  Odo could break 50.  

8th Hole - 5

I was sitting at a 43 heading into the 9th hole.  I could shoot a 6 and still break 50.  I hit my drive off the 9th tee box about 175 yards on the fringe of the fairway.  So far so good.  I then broke out my trusty 3-wood.  My 3-wood and I have not been getting a long this season.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and swung.  The prettiest shot of my short golfing career.  200 yards about 10 feet off the green.  I was sitting at 45 strokes as I walked down the fairway.

Chip on.  46.
Putt.  47.
Putt.  48.

Holy crap.  I was about to blow it.  I took a deep breath.  All eyes on me.....about to witness the biggest shot of my life.

I laid about 6 inches out.  1 inch too short, I don't quite make it.  1 inch too long, I don't quite make it.  The inches I needed were EVERYWHERE around me.  Deep breath, Odo.  Nice and easy.  Just tap it in.

Kerplunk.  Ball in hole.  I am the f*ckin' man at golf.  I'm the man who has the ball. I'm the man who can hit it farther than f*ck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass... everyone.

Front 9:  49 strokes
Total:  49 – only 13 over par!
Place:  3rd of 4
Lost Balls: 0

Food:  Granola Bar (1), Sunflower seeds (handfuls -2)
Drink:  None (WTF!?)
Tobacco: Camel Snuss (frost flavor)
Cart:  None

Rate:  $18
$/stroke:  $0.37

Until next time.....I'm still just trying to get good at golf.

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