Sunday, April 24, 2011

Odo's Trials and Tribulations in Getting Good at Golf Part III

Third chapter of a series

It was cold. It was rainy. It was holy. This weekend failed to generate any good conditions for my Quest for 99. But hi-yo f*ckin' silver, I was NOT about to be stopped. My passion and desire for getting good at golf was not going to be disturbed by the elements or Jesus Christ, the Lord and Savior. After all, I'm half-Jewish. Easter only lasts until noon for me. Post-noon, I'm as free as a bird - Nelly Furtado style. Nothing could come in the way between me and this blog diary. Something probably should have though because I played like total ass all weekend long. 18 holes of absolute dog sh*t swings. I'm blaming it on softball taking over my life for summer and have since contemplated retiring from softball to fully focus on getting good at golf. After all, if this guy can do it (Quitting Job for Golf), then why can't I? Then I realized that softball is the only sport I'm actually good at. It's the one thing in life that I can be proud of myself about - well, that and my knowledge of Autobots and Decepticons. Despite my failures in this petty game called "golf", I stand by a quote from the movie, Tin Cup:

"Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them."

Well, as evidenced by my love life, I'm sure as hell not good at knockin' da' boots. As evidenced by this running diary, I'm sure as hell not good at golf either. One would think with all of my "research" and practice that I'd be better at making love and playing golf. Apparently, practice doesn't make perfect.

On with this weekend's rounds..

Friday April 22, 2011:

Holes: 18
Par: 36
Attire: Jeans, track jacket
Other Participants: DADmau5

This is the first time that DADmau5 had golfed in a little over a year. He hates the game. Him and I really prove that the Hockey-Golf Pythagorean Theorem is a farce. According to most people, if you play hockey, then you're also good at golf. DADmau5 played junior hockey back in the day. Hockey was his thing. However, his hockey skills fail to translate to the golf course. He's pretty damn awful. He's actually worse than me. Even worse, he has the attention span of a 12-year old Condition. Despite disorder, DADmau5 is not very skillful with the whacksticks.

My round started off so promising. I drilled the opening drive on the first teebox about 275 right down the middle of the fairway. It was easily the best shot of the young season for me. I was feeling good and proud that I was showcasing my ever-increasing golf talents to DADmau5. I then appropriately lined my 2nd shot off a tree and the ball caromed into the 9th fairway. Well, this round went to shit pretty quickly.

1st Hole - Bogey
2nd Hole - Bogey

I hate the 3rd hole at WCC. It eats up all my balls and I have NEVER landed in the fairway off my drive. I'm forever playing up the right side. This hole is a bitch. It's hilly. It's long. It flat out sucks. My first tee shot sliced into the woods. My second tee shot sliced into the woods. Well, this is fun when you are hitting 5 off the damn tee box. I'm done going into details with this hole. It hurts too much.

3rd Hole - 6 over par. (Yep, I shot an 11).

It was soon thereafter that DADmau5 and I lost focus on the round. It was 6 PM. I was hungry and cold. Even more so, I was sober. No beer in my bag. No tobacco. No nothing. From this experience, that I can tell you that not only is sober golf boring, but it also makes me worse. Just a single Bud Light would have taken the edge off golf.

As we approached the 5th hole, DADmau5's attention was shot. He wanted nothing to do with golf. His tee shot flew right into the woods. Rather than drop, he decided to venture into the woods to find his ball. I proceeded to bogey the hole and had ZERO idea where DADmau5 was. A minute later, I see DADmau5 emerge from the woods with an armful of golf balls. Having lost 4 balls on the first 4 holes, DADmau5 was proud that he was now +6 in golf balls having just found 10 in the woods. He could go home happy now.

At this point in time, the round was over. I shot a 40 through 6 holes and then we quit. WOOF. Get 'em next time!

Front 6: 40 strokes
Place: Yeah, we didn't keep track
Lost Balls:2

Food: N/A
Drink: N/A
Tobacco: N/A
Cart: N/A

Sunday April 24, 2011:

Holes: 9
Par: 36
Attire: Mint Polo, black shorts, plaid hat
Other Participants: The Sandman
The night before was a bit hazy. We watched the Bs game over at Lee Thargy's house with about 40 other people, including the one and only Super Mario (Westboro's finest plumber). Last weekend Lee Thargy and Super Mario commented on how they wanted to get into golf this summer. So, being the nice guy that I am, I called them the next morning to go hit the links. No answer. Once again on this night, they said how they wanted to go out the next morning. Yeah, that wasn't happening. I'm pretty sure I'll never see Lee Thargy or Super Mario on the course this summer. The day I do, I'll buy them a Sam Summah in the clubhouse after our round. The only way you'll find Lee Thargy on the golf course this year is if Eric Church was out there. Lee Thargy would have his nose so far up EC's ass that EC and Lee Thargy would truly define the term "putting from the rough".
This was a round for the ages. It was competitive, but fun. No frustrations out there on this day. The Sandman and I were out there just to have a good time on Easter Sunday. Surprisingly, the course was empty. We took our time, shot the shit. It was a nice little Sunday man date.
The Sandman teed off on Hole 1 and sliced his drive into the 9th fairway. For those of you who haven't had the opportunity to play with The Sandman, this is nothing out of the ordinary. When you golf with The Sandman, you can fully expect to not see him for the first 20 minutes of the round as he plays up the 9th fairway, while mostly everyone else is sitting in the fairway. My first drive was lined straight up the middle again.
At this point in time, granted, it's early in the season, I have been hitting my Ping G2 driver pretty damn well (Shout out to Shock & Spock for supplying it). I am not sure what I am doing right, so why don't you readers be the judge:

Sure as hell looks pretty to me. And let's talk about how awesome that shirt is. It's quickly becoming my go-to as summer looms. (Note to self: expand your wardrobe.)

This started as the round of my life.

1st Hole - Par
2nd Hole - Par
3rd Hole - Bogey

Yes, that 3rd Hole that treated me to an 11 two days before, managed to give me a measly 6 on this day. Things were clicking not only for me, but also The Sandman. The kid landed a 20 foot put on the 2nd Hole. I actually recorded the putt and believe it or not, this took only one shot to successfully record:

Through 3 holes, I was at 1 over par, while The Sandman sat at 4 over.

I hit a bit of a rough patch on the 4th hole and shot a 7.

Hole 4 - Triple bogey
Hole 5 - Double bogey
Hole 6 - Double bogey

WOOF. Three shit holes. Meanwhile, The Sandman had made up 2 strokes on me. I went from 1 over to 8 over pretty damn quickly. And just like that, my Quest for 99 was shot (or was it?!)

Upon teeing off on Hole 7, I commented how we hadn't cracked a beer or popped in some Snuss yet. I lectured The Sandman on how golfing with a little bit of a buzz took the stress off and increased my performance. Like the cool Joe Camel he is, he threw a Snuss tin over to me and I popped one in. You'll never guess what happened next. Kid was on FIRE to close the round. Sitting at 43 strokes through 8, I realized that I would once again have an opportunity to break 50. My palms began to sweat and I began to twitch. Damn this Snuss really was getting to me. I teed off on Hole 9:

That drive right there was straight down the fairway. Holy shit, am I awesome or what!?!? A bogey on the final hole netted me the Golden 49. The Sandman finished with a 53. At this point in time, I may have to up my goals to playing bogey golf as opposed to just breaking 50. Our man date continued at DQ where we treated ourselves to Blizzards. DQ + Golf + 70 degrees = Summer time. Unfortunately, we realized that after a nice 10-year run, we no longer have any connections to discounted DQ ice cream. Holy shit, are we getting old....

Front 9: 49 strokes
Total: 49 – only 13 over par.
Place: 1st of 2
Lost Balls: 1

Food: N/A
Drink: N/A
Tobacco: Camel Snuss (frost flavor)
Cart: N/A

Until next time......I'm just trying to get good on the golf course and in the bedroom like my main man, Roy "Tin Cup" McAvoy.

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